Tribe Sober - inspiring an alcohol free life!

Seven Years of Sobriety with founder Janet Gourand

Today is Tribe Sobers 7th birthday!
We’re offering a birthday discount of 20% off our Kickstart online course and Annual membership – just go to tribesober.com to book and enter the code “birthday2022” – valid from now until the 16th November
It’s exactly 7 years today since our very first workshop in Cape Town!
We wanted to mark the occasion and say thank you
To say thank you to the Tribe Sober team and of course to all our members. 
To say thank you to everyone who has ever done a challenge or had coaching, everyone who’s ever done a workshop or donated to our annual Dry January fundraiser!
And of course thank you to everyone who listens to this podcast – we appreciate you!
In this Episode
Janet shares the story of Tribe Sober – how it started and how it evolved
How it evolved into an international community – all supporting each other to make the transition from problem drinking to thriving in their sobriety
We pick the story up in May 2015 – that’s when I quit drinking (if you want to know why and how then you can catch that story on Tribe Sober podcast episode 1)
The day after I quit drinking I started a blog – I’ve always loved writing and I wanted to log my journey, process my emotions and hold myself accountable.
My blog was called WorldWithoutWine as that more or less described the strange place I found myself in – a world without Sauvignon Blanc…
Blogging was my therapy and I got lots of comments saying “me too”!
Suddenly I realized I wasn’t alone in this struggle… so I gritted my teeth and kept it going.
I was about 4 months sober when I was hit by those early sobriety blues. I was in limbo, I’d quit the booze but didn’t quite know how my life was supposed to function without it.
I’d got the hang of the not drinking part but I definitely wasn’t thriving in my AF life
In fact I felt flat, a bit depressed and rather bored
My friends weren’t helping – they were saying things like:
“Are you still doing that not drinking thing?”
“Surely you can have “just one” after such a long break?
Apart from people who were responding to my blog I had no sober friends at all so felt quite lonely and a bit alienated from our alcohol drenched society
I began to wonder if I’d done the right thing but was determined to keep going - that was the year when evidence about the link between breast cancer and alcohol was coming into the public domain and I certainly didn’t want my breast cancer coming back so I soldiered on for the sake of my health
I was retired from my corporate job by this time
Sobriety had freed up a lot of time but I had no idea what to do with that extra time.
I did spend time reading QuitLit and discovered Annie Grace’s book This Naked Mind and that was a bit of gamechanger for me.
That’s when I realized that I’d been white knuckling it and that I had to create a mindshift rather than relying on willpower.
That made me realise that although I was sober the job was not yet done – I had to learn how to thrive in my sobriety – rather than feel deprived with being hit with bouts of FOMO.
I’d developed the habit of a daily walk by the sea every day to avoid witching hour and it was on these walks that I began to get ideas
I could literally feel my creativity coming back..
One  day I had an idea…
What if…
What if… I used my 25 years of experience in training and development to design a workshop which would help other people to get sober and learn to thrive in their sobriety
I was confident that I could teach people HOW to stop drinking and give them a toolkit – strategies and tools that had worked for me.
Although I hadn’t quite got the hang of thriving in my own sobriety I wanted to build a community so that we could help each other to learn to love our alcohol free lives.
We could figure it out together
We could use our sobriety as a springboard for personal development.
So I started to design the workshop which I called "New Beginnings".
A project which was creative and kept me fully occupied
It was also triggering my happy brain chemicals!
Once the workshop was designed I had to get a website set up and then do some FB ads
I now understand that having a big project and then dividing it into small steps is a sure way to stay happy and busy – and it worked!
It was about that time that my sobriety blues began to lift. With hindsight I realise that my depression was evaporating because I had a worthwhile project on the go!
So at merely 6 months sober I found myself in a hotel conference room in Cape Town running the very first workshop for 15 people – that was on November 12th 2015!
So 2015 was when it all started…
2016 began with our very first Challenge – The Dry January Challenge!
I was already a great supporter of an NGO here in Cape Town called Earthchild which provided yoga and lifeskills training for underprivileged children.
One day it came to me that I could use our fast growing platform to fundraise for Earthchild and our first Challenge was born – that Dry January Fundraiser is a firm fixture in our calendar and we’ve raised more than R300,000 for Earthchild over the years – that’s been enough to help more than 1,000 children.
Our second CPT workshop took place in March of that year. That was where I met Janis who has been sober ever since and is now one of our Recovery Coaches – she also writes a weekly blog for us called “conversations with Janis” which you can find on the website.
Building on the success of the Dry January Challenge we decided to do a longer Challenge in the Spring so our first 66 day Sober Spring Challenge was launched.
Meanwhile we were getting plenty of media attention here in SA – we were featured on tv, in radio programs and the press. In an alcohol drenched society our community was hitting the news
By 2017 we were running workshops in Joburg and that’s where I met Nick and Lynette.
They both got sober by attending a Joburg workshop. Lynette trained as a recovery coach and is now our Head Coach and they both still help me to facilitate our regular Zoom workshops.
2018 was an important year for us…
Our workshops were getting great feedback so we ran our first London workshop that year.
Not only did we have author of the Sober Diaries Clare Pooley as a guest speaker but it was there that we came across the fabulous Lucy!
Another workshop graduate who is now an essential member of the Tribe Sober team – co-facilitating workshops and coming to the Zoom workshop every Saturday.
Lucy is master of the reframe and thanks to her we now tell our newbies that “they don’t have a problem, they have an opportunity to ditch the drink and change their lives in ways they cannot imagine!”
So people who have been worrying about their drinking “problem” start to feel excited about the opportunity ahead.
By 2018 we had a database of a few hundred people who had attended a workshop and they were wanting more – they wanted not only more content but they wanted a way to stay connected.
We always begin our workshop with shares and this is a powerful experience for the participants. Not only is it often the first time that they have told their own story and realised just how unhappy alcohol is making them – but hearing other people tell their story makes them realise they are not alone in this.
The honesty and vulnerability shown during the shares creates a strong bond so that’s why people wanted to stay connected.
So that’s why we created our membership program.
Because connection is the opposite of addiction.
Fortunately for me that was about the time when Sue knocked on my door.  She’d got sober with AA but liked our approach and wanted to get involved. 
Sue is an Accountant so she was able to implement some much needed structure behind the scenes.  I was doing everything on my own and my little passion project of running the odd workshop in Cape Town was expanding fast!
So thanks to Sue we soon got more organized as she implemented some systems and created a master spreadsheet listing our members.
Our aim was always to keep our membership small so we could get to know people and provide a really personal service.  Some sobriety groups have thousands of members but we are happy to stay at around the 400 member mark.
We want to focus on service rather than growth.
Sue also mastered our website and was soon troubleshooting and developing it further. 
Her role has grown along with Tribe Sober and she provides a great service to our members – she welcomes new members, gets them onboarded and holds daily group chats on Zoom for them.  She even keeps a running total of the sober time we are clocking up as a Tribe – that currently stands at more than 300 years!
2019
Was spent establishing our membership and increasing the support we offered.
Another successful fund raiser and as well as another Sober Spring challenge.
Our team gained another member when we met Judy at a Joburg workshop. She offered her services as our Tribe Doctor which means our members get access to confidential medical advice on alcohol related matters.
Then along came Courage – the Tribe Sober team has grown organically as people came to our workshops, got sober and then wanted to stay connected. However I have to admit I did headhunt this team member.
At the time I was teaching HR in a business college and came across Courage from Zimbabwe. He was in my class and in fact was usually top of that class as he is one clever guy.
By then our Challenges were getting more and more popular and took quite some organization so Courage came on board as our Campaign Manager – and these days he also helps me with podcast editing.
2020 was the year of the rebrand… from WWW to TS – our community had been referring to themselves as the Tribe for a while now so one day I thought it was time for a rebrand – and we became Tribe Sober.
Which involved a few months developing our new website of course!
Like the rest of the world we had a Pandemic to deal with – we launched our Lockdown Challenge and the workshops were shifted to Zoom. A format we’ve stayed with as it enables us to offer our workshop to people all over the world.
2020 was also my 5 year Soberversary which I celebrated by launching this podcast!
2021
In 2021 Mon joined our Team as Marketing Support, taking over our social media and helping me with marketing.
Monica had originally joined us as a Tribe Member. She struggled a lot at first but never gave up.  In fact she had 84 Day One’s which is a bit of a record here at the Tribe!
But she is an inspiration to many and walking proof that if you keep at it you will get there. Monica is now 18 months sober.
2022 saw the launch of our online Kickstart course – thats our original workshop which is now available as a Group Workshop, an online course or a private 1.2.1. workshop
This year we also did our first 5 day Sober Bootcamp via a Facebook Group. We’ll be doing that again in January so if you want to join in just find the Sober Bootcamp Facebook Group and join the conversation.
Plans for 2023 include a January Sober Bootcamp as well as the launch of the Kickstart Group Coaching Program so watch this space!
So that’s the story of how one woman with a crazy idea started a community…
It’s just one example of how life can turn out when you ditch the drink and get back your energy and creativity
The magic in this story is that as I helped others to ditch the booze I began to thrive in my own sobriety
I discovered that this kind of work lit me up and gave my life real meaning and purpose.
Don’t forget that the code "birthday2022" is live now so you can claim 20% discount on Annual Membership and/or Kickstart online course!
Just go to tribesober.com and you’ll find all the info or message janet@tribesober.com
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Your Sober Year with Kate Baily

My guest this week is the founder of Love Sober.  She’s an author, a sober coach and a podcaster.  She founded Love Sober with Mandy Manners to support women who are concerned about their drinking.  She works hard to raise awareness around what women need to not only get sober but to stay sober – and to love being sober!
In this Episode
Kate shared her own story which was an interesting one.
She was always health conscious but determined to find a way to make alcohol fit into her lifestyle even though she knew she had no off switch
She knew deep down she was using it to cope and in fact when she did try to stop she could feel her anxiety ramping up and she’d feel unable to cope
Like many of us Kate found herself googling "am I an alcoholic?" at 3am which led her to a sobriety community
Once she had plugged into a sober community she felt like she'd been thrown a lifeline
That made her realise she was not alone in this and there were many other people just like her
She actually quit drinking for a year but then started again – with hindsight she can see that she just didn’t have the toolkit – all her bad habits were coming back
She was stressed with no boundaries and not enough self care.
We agreed that she had achieved her first year by using willpower alone and had not done the deep work of tackling her limiting beliefs and underlying trauma.
Her mindset around alcohol had not really shifted which meant she still believed that it served her in some way
As we’re always saying at Tribe Sober there is so much more to recovery than “not drinking” – we have to do the work and build the toolkit to make our sobriety sustainable
Kate explained that as we go into our second year of sobriety we often have a dopamine dip which means that its quite common for people to go back to drinking after they’ve had a sober year
That fact underlines our experience that we really need a project to keep our happy chemicals triggered so that we can thrive in our sobriety and make it a permanent lifestyle
So Kate returned to drinking but one day she had a major insight which changed everything for her
She realised that using alcohol was causing such a deep disconnect within herself that she couldn’t “find” herself, or comfort herself or act with self compassion
Like many of us Kate had to learn to love and comfort herself
This insight led to her second day one which was back in 2014 and she has been alcohol free since then
Her second attempt at sobriety was quite different. She got heavily into self care, she did a sobriety program and lots of yoga.  She trained as a coach herself to increase her own sense of meaning and purpose.
Kate explored the “tools of living” – self compassion, gratitude and connection.
She realised that her sobriety was actually the foundation of her self development work
She was out and proud and blogged about sobriety under her own name.
It’s interesting how we evolve in our sobriety – personally I felt embarrassed and apologetic in early sobriety (dreading questions and hoping nobody spotted my AF drink) but these days I love talking about sobriety – it’s a bit like the #dontgetmestarted that Kate mentioned!
I’m now a bit like that joke – how do you know when someone is sober? – they’ll tell you within 5 minutes of meeting you!
Just like me Kate loves a reframe and came up with this awesome one – instead of sayingHow do I stay sober every day? – rather ask -  How do I look after myself every day?
We agreed on the power of a sober community and how we need to be reassured that it really is worth all the hard work to get sober – people further down the road than us will inspire us and show us that it really is worth it
Kate called those sober people the “guiding lights” – they can get you through the sticky bits by saying “when I was at that stage this is what helped me”
Sobriety has enabled Kate to rediscover joy in her life – the sparkle is back
Her podcast has been part of her recovery – a way to process and affirm
We agreed that our years of sobriety have been an ongoing learning process - an ever expanding toolkit as Kate calls it
We discussed the “rise of the wine bar” in the UK in the 90’s and how there seemed to be a link between that and the “wine lake” which had occurred due to the overproduction of wine due to EU subsidies
The first wine bar in the UK was Davys that launched in 1964 but gradually they became more and more popular – seen as sophisticated places for groups of women to meet for a glass of wine
Women who would never really go to a pub
Wine drinking was promoted as an aspirational lifestyle choice for women – a fact that makes us both angry these days as we are well aware of the damage it has done to womens health
We thought it was all so elegant but in fact someone said that “wine is the Special Brew of the middle classes” – if you’re not familiar with Special Brew it’s the can of extra strong beer that you often seem homeless alcoholics clutching!
While we were ranting we also had a go at Drinkaware – who describes itself as an independent charity which aims help people make better choices about their drinking.
Drinkaware is actually sponsored by the alcohol industry and contains endless advice about how to moderate but not a word about how quitting completely is the healthiest choice
I would spend hours on Drinkaware working out how many units I could drink – which of course just kept me trapped in the trying (and failing) to moderate for ten years!
As a journalist Kate wrote an article saying that the UK had a drink problem – comparing the reaction we get when we stop – and comparing it to the encouragement we get when we stop smoking
I love an analogy so Kate and Mandy’s book called “Love Your Sober Year” was just up my street
They take the seasons of the year and link them to our sobriety journey…SPRING – huge growth – hell yes! – up for anything – that must be why our Sober Spring Challenge is so popular – planting the seeds of hope, starting to see green shoots and feeling betterSUMMER is maintenance but Kate also calls this the “re-ignite” phase – our sobriety should be dynamic rather than static as we do the work and embark on a journey of self discovery
At Tribe Sober we encourage this journey of self discovery by offering our members many different types of activities and therapys to try out
AUTUMN – release and refine – after the self discovery journey we can drop what we don’t need – and this might be the period when we review our friendship circle and drop some of those old drinking buddies
WINTER – rest and rebirth – empty field, death of alcohol, just like the farmer looking at his field we must have faith that something wonderful will grow
I love this journey that Kate and Mandy have plotted – its SO much more exciting than the Groundhog Day that our drinking puts us in – we actually get to evolve in our lives – rather than getting stuck
Its about capturing the gifts and challenges of each season– about adjusting our self care and tools to each season so that we thrive in each season
These days Kate sees self care as self leadership – as she says its so empowering when we can meet our own needs
She talked about the value of journaling – how its about gathering intel – set your intentions and then reflect on whats working and adjust accordingly – her book includes journal prompts
Kates advice to people worried about their drinking is to join a sober community and get some knowledge. Start working on a mindshift so that you see alcohol differently
At Tribe Sober we like to tell people who are worried about their drinking that they don’t have a problem – they have an opportunity – to improve their health, increase their happiness and change their lives in ways they cannot imagine
Kate mentioned her 3 month group coaching course which is starting soon 
Here is the link to Kate's course 
Her book is called Love Your Sober Year by Kate Baily and Mandy Manners – available at Amazon
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
 
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
 
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
  
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 

Drinking and Depression with Anth Parker

 
I met this week’s guest in the online recovery community – Anth Parker had tried AA, rehab and SMART recovery and none of them really stuck.  However with hindsight she realises that she had collected gems of information from each one – information and strategies which finally enabled her to come up with her own recipe for sobriety.  These days she is passionate about sobriety and loves to inspire others.
In this Episode
Anthea didn’t drink much as a teenager but during her 20’s she began to use it to cope with difficult periods in her life and found she needed a drink when she got home from work
As she moved into her 30’s she became aware that she had a problem and was drinking a bottle of wine a day
She called “alcohol services” and asked for help but she was just told to “cut down” as they didn’t think she had a serious problem
My take on that is if your drinking is on your mind then you need to take action – it’s not about being an alcoholic, or waiting to hit rock bottom – it’s about ditching a toxic substance that is preventing you from living your best life
In her 30s Anth had twins so of course was drawn into the Mommyjuice culture with all the other moms
She sufferered from post natal depression and worked hard to convince her health visitor that her motherhood experience was “perfect” when in reality she felt like she was “walking though treacle” as she puts it
Her doctor put her on anti-depressants but her depression continued and she was in and out of hospital
She had to quit her job as an occupational therapist
During her treatment she was told that she would have to stop drinking which horrified her as she saw alcohol as her only respite from depression
She went to AA – after 100 meetings and 3 sponsors she still didn’t get it and hated having to label herself as an alcoholic at the meetings
But in retrospect she did pick up some tools there and gradually they became helpful
It was like planting seeds – her advice to people is to listen, to read, to talk to people and to be curious – as she says “it will all fall into place eventually”
I also love the concept of planting seeds and we see that in Tribe Sober – some people find us and dive straight into their recovery but others stay on our mailing list for years, then they do a challenge, then a workshop and finally join up as members which is when they get inspired to implement everything they’ve learned!
Anth talked about comparisons and how they can be good – or harmful. Yes compare yourself with sober people that inspire you but don’t compare yourself with the hard core alcoholic and start thinking “Im not that bad” – better to compare yourself with the best version of yourself you could possibly be – without alcohol.
Things got really back for Anth just before lockdown – she was shaking in the morning, hiding alcohol in the house and in the garden.
She was fed up of being on the hamster wheel as she called it –the hamster wheel of drinking which traps us – and means we never make any progress in our lives
Her turning point was reading Alcohol Explained by William Porter – she loved the science and read it over and over – finally realising that this wasn’t her fault, she’d simply got addicted to an addictive substance
She joined the Alcohol Explained Facebook group, listened to podcasts and discovered the online recovery movement – she loved all the sharing and realised that she was not alone in this
She wrote a letter to herself which she read every day
She was still drinking at this point but she was listening and learning and her subconscious was preparing for action
We say to people who join Tribe Sober. "Keep drinking if you’re not ready but start doing the work, listen and learn, read the quitlit, come to the Zoom meetings and gradually you’ll get inspired by the members who are sober and are loving their alcohol free life – you’ll start wanting what they have!"
On her 48th birthday Anth decided to quit drinking
She got a notebook and wrote a plan – she had her Why list, had done lots of prep and was ready to go
Benefits of sobriety for Anth include freedom – she feels that she’s been released from the chains of addiction – such a relief not to have that compelling urge to drink every.single.day
Second major benefit for her has been connection – to connect with others and herself – to learn to listen to herself and get in touch with who she really is
We agreed that once you put down the bottle and get through those first difficult months, things start changing and the we embark on a journey of self discovery
That’s why we say here at Tribe Sober that we help our members quit drinking first and then we help them to discover who they really are and to thrive in their sobriety
We talked about how people get stuck in their drinking because they fear they will lose out – whereas in fact they are going to gain so much.
One day Anth was clearing out her attic and she came across some old postcards
That inspired her to start her Sober Inspiration Project
She asked people in the sobriety groups to send her a postcard with sobriety tips
What better way to get advice than to ask people who are succeeding
Within 6 months she had received about 100 postcards!
One of her goals with this project was to show people that AA was no longer the only gig in town
She laminated her postcards and took them out and about – taking them into the streets and hanging them in trees – she even went to Hyde Park!
Her goal was simply to raise awareness and she met so many sober people who came to talk to her and said “I’m sober too!”
Anth is planning to re-open the Sober Inspiration Project in the run up to Christmas so please send her a postcard with your top sobriety tip
She has a FB group called the Sober Inspiration Project so join up and get inspired!
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.  
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Making Sobriety Less Shameful with Clare Pooley

Tribe Sober - inspiring an alcohol-free life!
My guest this week is the fabulous Clare Pooley
Clare is 7 years sober and has inspired thousands of women via her blog and best selling book - the Sober Diaries.
You can see her TED talk HERE
Her talk is called "Making Sober Less Shameful" and addresses the fact that "alcohol is only drug we have to justify NOT taking!
Clare has been guest speaker at two of our London workshops
 
In this Episode
Like many of us Clare started drinking socially and gradually evolved to drinking a bottle of wine every evening
Her rock bottom came one morning when she found herself drinking red wine to quell a hangover
Her main strategy to ditch the drink was writing - every day for 3 years she poured her heart out to her anonymous blog
Clare's blog is a great resource and anyone who feels alone in this journey should check it out here mummywasasecretdrinker
These days she feels angry that we feel so much shame around our drinking - and thats why she did her TED talk on that topic
Her strategies were writing, hot baths, hot chocolate, cleaning (!), books about alcohol, exercise, audio books and podcasts
CLAIRE's TOP TIP - she reconfigured her day - went to bed at 7pm (to avoid evening drinking) and got up at 5am feeling great!
As cooking the evening meal was a big temptation for her she cooked it in the morning and heated it up in the evening
Like many of us she had a major low in early sobriety - she calls this "the wall" and believes it's our brain chemistry adjusting
Her advice is to accept that we will have ups and downs on this journey but that they will get less extreme if we hang in there
Her blog - the obstacle course went viral and is essential reading in early sobriety
Clare's key message in the blog is to keep going however hard it gets - stopping and starting is the hardest way
Her top tips for newbies - write down how bad it was so you don't forget, write your WHY list - why are you doing this?
Be excited - you will gain more than you lose and another tip is to create a vision board
Clare also said it was essential to "find your tribe" and recommended tribesober.com
More infoSubscription membership for Tribe Sober join up HERE
To access our website click HERE
If you would like a free copy of our e-book "66 days to sobriety" please email us at janet@tribesober.com
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community just email janet@tribesober.comEpisode Sponsor
          This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol           sign up today.           Read more about our 7-step program and subscribe HERE
                
 Help us to spread the word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can find Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and TikTok   
You can join our private Facebook group HERE
Thank you for listening! 
Till Next Week
Janet x

A Drinking and Driving Disaster with Martin Lockett

 
If you’ve ever driven your car after a drink or two then I think this episode is going to send a shiver down your spine
It’s a story of tragedy – and redemption
It’s a story which emphasises the fact that our whole future can change in a split second
My guest this week is Martin Lockett – a guy who made two bad decisions
He decided to drink and drive – and then to jump a red light
Two people died and Martin spent nearly 20 years in prison for manslaughter
His whole life has been defined by this traumatic incident that ended two lives and changed his forever.
 
In this Episode
Although he grew up in a rough area Martin was blessed with two loving parents who did their best to keep their boys busy with after school activities
This worked well for a while but as they became teenagers it was not so easy to manage them – and they started to mix with the wrong crowd.
Like most teenagers Martin was searching for his “identify” – trying different ones on for size
He developed several identities and had the wardrobe and the vernacular to suit each identify
He had his school style, then his part time job style and then his gang style
He was navigating between different worlds, not really feeling comfortable in any of them
This internal conflict drove him to use alcohol to quell his anxiety
Martin’s identify crisis made me think of the inner struggle that we experience when we are drinking too much – we know we should quit but we can’t imagine life without it – so we drink more to quell the anxiety
Like many drinkers Martin was in denial – and able to convince himself that he was ok because his life was pretty functional
He had a job, lived with his girlfriend, paid his bills, was studying to be a nurse
Many functional alcoholics delude themselves in this way – I certainly did – I had a good job and a nice family so I was fine
The thing is it takes a huge amount of energy to hold it all together when we are drinking – energy to get up and go to work when we are hungover, energy to cope with young children when we are exhausted, energy to keep up the pretence that everything is “fine” when we know deep down that it's far from fine.
And one of the many joys of sobriety is that as we free ourselves from the shackles of alcohol we release that energy and can use it in more positive ways
Martin took us through the chilling tale of the New Year’s Eve that changed his future, that split second decision that cost him his freedom
He talked us through the horror of the aftermath – the horror of realising that he had killed 2 people and that the price would be 20 years in prison
And he was only 24 years old
He spoke of the ripple effect of the tragedy – the effect on his own family and friends – and of course of his victims
As he says we can never really imagine the magnitude of our actions – until it actually happens
After a few days in prison he was given a newspaper – there he was on the front page
As he read the article he discovered that his victims were active in the recovery space – his horror at what he had done deepened as he discovered that good people they were
At the end of the article the journalist had written “perhaps the person who will be helped most by this tragedy is the driver”
Martin reflected on this statement for days – how on earth could he be helped by this terrible incident?
For months he would meditate on that phrase which played over and over in his head
Eventually he came to the conclusion that the only way he could try to atone for what he had done would be to spend the rest of his life continuing the good work of his victims
That would be the only way that some good could come out of this tragedy
Just one year into his sentence Martin had the good fortune to meet an incredible woman who offered her support – she stuck by him for more than 16 years and is now his fiancé
When she heard that he wanted to be an addiction counsellor she discovered that he could study this from prison
She helped him with his tuition fees and Martin also inherited some money when his father died – he knew that spending this money of his education was the best way to honour his father memory
Martin threw himself into his studies which had the added benefit that he was not approached by gang members – they could see he was serious in his ambitions
He gained a Bachelors degree in sociology and a Masters in psychology before going through an intensive drug and alcohol addiction program
He was then able to build up clinical hours by working as an intern - running group sessions for some of his fellow prisoners which enabled him to qualify as a counsellor
He got his state certification as a Substance Abuse Counsellor in 2019 – and was released from prison in 2021
Martin shared the shocking statistic that 80% of prisoners are incarcerated as a result of drug or alcohol related offences
Yet in Oregon only 5% of those prisoners have access to a substance abuse program
Martin was influenced by the work of Viktor Frankl which helped him to get through his prison sentence.
Frankl is an Austrian psychiatrist who spent time in a concentration camp during the war and who maintains that however dire our circumstances if we can find purpose we can survive – and that purpose must involve serving others
We talked about forgiveness and of course it took several years for Martin to forgive himself – he was often full of sadness and self loathing, reliving every detail of the crash especially on the anniversary of the event
He eventually managed to pull himself out of this dark place and direct his energy toward the pledge he had made to honour his victims by continuing their work and even before leaving prison he has made an impact on thousands of people
Martin talked about leaving prison and how overwhelmed he felt – everything had changed!
Whilst prison is grey and drab and the world seemed full of colour
Clothes were different, phones were computers, social media was a thing and there was even an online recovery movement
He struggled with choice – going into a supermarket and having 30 different types of cereal to choose from!
Fortunately he had his fiancé to give him a crash course in technology and help him to adapt to the outside world – and remember to write down his passwords!
He admitted that he had been slightly apprehensive about being bored as he had never really functioned as a sober adult before
But of course it was the opposite and he’s been travelling, sky diving, cruising to the Bahamas and learning to swim amongst other things!
And of course full of joy and appreciation at his beautiful new life
Apart from having fun Martin continues to work full time to honour his victims and to continue their legacy
He feels compelled to keep sharing his story to honour his victims and to spread the word about the agony that can result from drinking and driving
He speaks at Victim Impact Panels, mans a suicide helpline and speaks to schools
As well as being a public speaker he has written two books – "Prison to Purpose Pipeline" and "My Prison Life" – you can buy the books from Amazon or from his website which is martinlockett.com
I told Martin that we had a 64% youth unemployment rate here in South Africa and asked him what he would say to a young person with no job and little hope for the future
He advises young people to “stay in the fight” – even if the odds seem to be stacked against them
Don’t give up on yourself – take steps in the right direction and eventually doors will open
He quoted Martin Luther King who said that “Faith is taking that first step even if you can’t see the whole staircase”
I actually love that quote and think we can apply it to people just starting out on the sobriety journey – it can be so difficult to imagine that we have so much to gain from giving up alcohol – it takes faith – that’s why we need to do it step by step (even if we can’t yet see the whole staircase!)
 
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
 
 
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

My Rock Bottom was Sex Work with Desiree-Anne Martin

My guest this week is Desiree-Anne Martin.  Her addiction to drugs and alcohol kept her at rock bottom for two years – using sex work to fund her heroin habit.
Despite everything she managed to turn her life around and these days she is a happily married mother of two girls as well as a qualified addiction counsellor
At the age of 41 she published her first book – a memoir called “We Don’t Talk About It. Ever”
It’s an unforgettable book and by sharing her experience, strength and hope, Desiree-Anne has given many others a platform to speak out and to begin the road to recovery.
In this Episode
Desiree’s addictions began with slimming pills which she could buy over the counter here in South Africa. They contained amphetamines and she was on 10 a day, losing weight and full of energy!
She moved to the UK and was horrified to discover that she would need a doctors script to get these pills
Always on the lookout for something to give her a buzz Desiree turned to alcohol
She was drinking and comfort eating to keep her warm during the UK’s harsh winter.
Result was that she regained the weight she had lost which made her depressed.
When her UK visa expired she returned to South Africa and was delighted to discover that everyone she knew was now getting high at the weekends.
The rave culture had exploded and drug taking was normalised
It was the perfect sub-culture to slot into with her ever growing addiction
She was taking MDMA, Crystal Meth, LSD and Ecstacy
Just like drinkers she had her “rules” and vowed she would never take crack cocaine or heroin – but just like drinkers she broke that rule.
She fell in love with a heroin addict.
When he told her about his addiction she was unphased – she could cope – after all she’d seen the movie Trainspotting so knew how it all worked!
She stuck by him because her parent’s marriage had showed her that you stuck together “no matter what”
However the “no matter what” that Desiree was dealing with led to her trying heroin herself
She vomited after her first hit but she persevered! (as she put it)
It was like a warm blanket that blanked out all her emotions
It takes years, sometimes decades for people using alcohol to become dependent but hard drugs like heroin are a different matter
Desiree was hooked within a matter of week until eventually she needed it just to feel normal
Her daily struggle became keeping the withdrawal at bay
A friend dragged her to AA/NA – she did attend meetings now and then but was usually high – she would lie about her clean time because she wanted the praise
Her rehab journey began when her dad drove her out into the middle of nowhere to a rehab that Desiree describes as a concrete tank for people to withdraw from whatever they were taking – no support or rehabilitation included – just a few goats hanging round!
She managed to get expelled from that rehab for fraternizing
Then she went to live with her mom who did everything she could to control her (including locking her in)
All that interested Desiree was escaping so she could get her hands on some heroin
Eventually she ran out of resources to fund her drug habit so had to resort to sex work, which of course led to a lot of shame, which of course led to more drugs to cope with the shame – a terrible spiral to be trapped in
Her long suffering mother found another rehab – and finally things began to change
Desiree was so tired from secrets and shame which she felt were rotting her from the inside out that she began to “tell her story” – she began “speaking her truth”
She made the choice to get clean – to choose life – and she told her story over and over
This rehab worked because they taught her to speak her truth, which set her free
Once she decided to use the 12 steps she was “all in” – we see that at Tribe Sober – the people who go “all in”, the ones who “throw the book at it” are the ones who succeed
Desiree's first year of recovery was mainly about “not using” and meant a complete overhaul of her lifestyle
She felt a great sense of loss, she mourned the loss of heroin and had to learn to deal with her feelings again
At the beginning her feelings were either good – or bad - but gradually they became more complex which was difficult as she could no longer use heroin to numb them out
She also discovered that she had mental health issues which had been masked by her drug taking so she began therapy
She learned that the drinking and the using had been symptomatic of the multiple traumas she had dealt with over the years.
Many people in our community love the work of Gabor Mate which emphasises the link between trauma and developing an addiction
Desiree has finally shed the shame, is now 18 years sober and spends her time helping and inspiring others
At the age of 41 she published her memoir “We don’t want to talk about it – ever” her story continues to give people hope that shows that there is a way out
If you want to learn more about Desiree or book a counselling session with her you can go to her website which is desreeannemartin.com and her book is available on Amazon
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 

Getting Sober at Seventy with Tribe member Ros

 
I always love featuring a Tribe Member on the podcast but this week it’s particularly special as Tribe member Ros is celebrating her first Soberversary.
All of those Sober Firsts are important – the first time we socialise without alcohol, the first time we go on holiday
Even Sober Packing (!) – it seems to be a thing for some of our members and of course the Soberversary is a culmination of all of those Sober Firsts
A whole year of sobriety is enough for most people to nail the “not drinking” part – and then to start reconfiguring their lives – creating a life they don’t want to escape from!
I often say that if we really want to stop drinking we have to throw the book at it – and Ros is a fantastic example of the results you get if you do that 
Ros had been drinking for decades and knew that she would have to make a change so she joined the Tribe.
She turned up on Day one – looking wobbly and tearful at our weekly Zoom Café.  She came to Zoom every single week and it was such a joy to see her getting stronger and looking happier as time went by.  Ros put the work in and as a result she only ever had One Day One..
She used the Tribe Roadmap and worked her way systematically through our 7 steps – she got connected, she did the prep, she did the work and then she moved into healing her body and mind. 
 
In this Episode
Ros came from a non drinking household and apart from the odd half a pint of beer in the pub with her friends her teenage years were alcohol free
As she got into her 20’s Ros left the UK and began a career in tourism – where drinking was very much part of the work hard/play hard culture.
She began to drink regularly and with enthusiasm
Ros lived in Mexico for a couple of years and discovered that there was a drink that was stronger than tequila – strong enough to put her in hospital in fact
As she says “if it was there I would drink it”
Like many of us Ros was into healthy eating and going to the gym but no way was she going to relinquish the booze!
In fact she was blissfully unaware of the toxicity of alcohol and had no idea that the “low risk” limits of alcohol are one and a half bottles of wine a week.
In fact the WHO now recommend that if we want to be healthy we don’t drink any alcohol at all
I could do a whole episode on the toxicity of alcohol but let me just give you Russell Brand’s brilliant answer when people ask him why he’s not drinking – he simply says “that stuffs flammable you know” ;-)
Thanks to our workshop Ros is now more than aware of just how much damage alcohol does
She lost both her sisters to cancer and reflected back to the time she spent in a hospice with one of her sisters – there were lots of health experts coming in to talk about healthy eating but not one word about alcohol!
Not a word about the fact that alcohol is linked to 7 different types of cancer and that drinking more than 3 small glasses of wine a week raises your risk of breast cancer by 15%
We both agreed with the research that says it takes most people about a decade to recognise that we have a problem – and then to actually do something about it
We both wasted far too long setting rules around our drinking and trying to moderate!
Ros recognised that she needed help about 10 years before joining Tribe Sober but once she did everything changed for her
She felt such a sense of relief that when she met other people who had the same “problem” with alcohol she realised that she was not alone in this
If you’re feeling alone in your struggle then please check out Tribe Sober – we are here for you and nothing makes us happier than helping people to ditch the booze and change their life
Ros took all of our advice to heart and accepted that sobriety is not something we do “on the side” or “tinker round the edges” – we have to make it a priority, forget the people pleasing and learn to put ourselves first
Ros coped with her social life by taking our advice to “be an anthropologist” – learn to be an observer and watch how people change as the drinking progresses – no need to judge anyone, come from a place of curiosity
She got through her Sober Firsts, taking pleasure in every achievement and sharing them with us at the Zoom Café – she even did a Sober Cruise!
We talked about the value of the Annual Trackers we use – although it might seem a bit low tech to have a piece of paper divided into 365 squares it works better than the trackers on your phone which just take you back to zero if you have a slip up
With our trackers you colour in every single alcohol free day so that you can observe your Sober Stretches and see that they are getting longer
As Ros didn’t have a single slip up she took great pleasure in colouring in her tracker and then posting it on our chatgroup on Screenshot Saturday
Our Annual trackers give perspective and keep us motivated – if you would like one just email me – janet@tribesober.com
As she enters her second year of sobriety Ros is planning to relax into it – it’s the new normal and her husband is also sober.
After a few months of watching Ros her husband decided to do our Sober Spring Challenge to keep her company – and he’s been sober ever since!More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
  
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Relapse Warning Signs with Melissa Witherspoon

 
My podcast guest this week is the author of a very touching memoir called:-
I’m Sober…So Now What?: A Journey of Hope and Healing by Melissa Witherspoon
That’s an excellent question and there’s definitely quite a difficult stage that we reach when we are in early sobriety…
For many of us it’s a bit of a void – a kind of flatness when we suffer from anhedonia – we haven’t found our Sober Feet yet and we are certainly not thriving and enjoying our sobriety
Our old routines are messed up, our drinking buddies are keeping their distance and we are not entirely sure what to do with ourselves..
That’s why we aim to take people on a 7 stage journey here at Tribe Sober – because there is so much more to recovery than “not drinking”
We help people to ditch the booze and then introduce them to yoga, coaching, meditation, art therapy so they can explore and start to build their alcohol free lives – a life they won’t want to escape from.
Melissa Witherspoon calls her memoir a journey of hope and healing and it really is..
Anyone who has been struggling for years will take hope from this book – Melissa spent decades struggling with alcohol – in and out of rehab – getting sober and then relapsing – but it finally stuck..
In this Episode
Melissa came from a happy home but struggled at school. Suffering from Attention Deficit and Dyslexia when neither condition was really acknowledged meant that either her teachers or her classmates were giving her a hard time
She never really found a friendship group at school – not until she got to High School when she finally found “her people”
Trouble was her new friends were mostly boys and a bit older than her – and they were using drugs and alcohol – but she was happy - she finally felt that she was “fitting in”..
She was so influenced by this group that she left home and turned her back on everything she knew
Melissa found herself living with a bunch drug dealers in what she describes as a “den of inequity”
She felt so free and grown up – she could come and go as she pleased and had access to the drugs and alcohol she wanted – she loved it!
However things got quite “dark” and Melissa was rescued during a police raid!
In one way this was a relief but her mum was in denial about what had been happening and Melissa was just expected to slot back in to “normal” life…without any help
She was full of shame and guilt and finally managed to get some counselling at the age of 21 but she wasn’t open with her counsellors so ended up carrying her shame and guilt into her 20’s and 30’s
She coped with the pain by drinking and using drugs – and for two decades she was in and out of rehabs, making poor decisions and then dealing with the consequences
For some periods she managed to keep up an external façade that she was coping but inside she felt she was falling "down the rabbit hole" 
Melissa went to one rehab to help her come off alcohol and Xanax – when she left they gave her a bag of pills– pills she subsequently used in a suicide attempt
Her life was only saved when her husband came home unexpectedly
Back in rehab she remembers how irritated she was with the “one day at a time” mantra – she couldn’t even get the schedule for the following day as she was told to just focus on today..
With perspective she now appreciates how it can work and even today she finds herself saying “one day at a time Melissa” if she feels anxious or stressed – a good habit for all us I think
Another mantra she’s learned to love is “progress not perfection”
We use that a lot here at Tribe Sober – we’re currently running our annual 66 day challenge and many people are daunted by the thought of 66 sober days – but we give them a tracker and tell them to mark their Sober Stretches – how many stretches can they do? Are they getting longer?  How many alcohol free days did they manage out of 66 – that’s progress not perfection
While we are at it lets look at some more Sober Cliches that actually help – how about “this too shall pass” – whether we are reflecting on a tough day resisting the triggers or being hit by one of those “lows” that we feel even when we are sober - "this too shall pass" can help to soothe us
Another one is “one is too many and a thousand isn’t enough” – that’s one to remember if you’ve been sober for a few months and think “ok I’m fine now – I can have just one” – well spoiler alert – you probably can’t!
Finally how about “there is no problem that alcohol won’t make worse” -  if we’ve been using alcohol as a coping mechanism for years it can be SO difficult not to start drinking again if we get some bad news… but of course the problem will still be there – along with a crashing hangover when we sober up..
These sayings might be clichéd, but they have been really helpful to many of us here at Tribe Sober. I hope that they’ll be just as helpful for you. If anyone has any favorite sobriety sayings, please send them to janet@tribesober.com and I’ll read them out on the podcast
Melissa was always worried about becoming a “Dry Drunk” – that happens when you get sober but you don’t "do the work", you don’t change your life
There is so much more to recovery than “not drinking” and that’s the journey we take you on at Tribe Sober – apart from introducing you to various therapies and offering you coaching we welcome you to our community where many people are already sober and will inspire you with the creativity and connections they have discovered so they can thrive in their sobriety – not just get through it like a Dry Drunk does..
To join our community just go to tribesober.com and hit “join our tribe”
Melissa’s husband is in logistics and loves spreadsheets – so he created a spreadsheet of activities and timings to make sure that Melissa kept very busy in early sobriety – and it worked!
This is a definite technique that works for many people – we have to keep our mind occupied so we don't end up thinking about drinking!
Have a listen to Tribe Sober episode 105 with Jeff Graham who explains exactly how this technique worked for him
Apart from loving sobriety cliches I’m very keen on analogies and Melissa talked about the “family in recovery” being like a boat
People get used to their roles and if one of them changes the whole boat needs rebalancing – for example Melissa’s husband got upset when she was no longer relying on the schedule he had set up for her – she was getting better and no longer needed rescuing
This is linked to co-dependency  – and the whole family may need counselling if these patterns have been fixed for years
From her experiences Melissa has observed that there are 3 stages of relapse
Stage 1 is emotional relapse – not even thinking about drinking yet but observing the triggers that seem to be getting more frequent
Stay in Stage 1 long enough without taking action and you may move to
Stage 2 which is the mental relapse when you start to feel uncomfortable in your skin – and skip activities like connecting with your sober tribe and sticking to your exercise routine – all things that relieve triggers
Stay in Stage 2 long enough and you may move to
Stage 3 which is physical relapse when you are back in active addiction
The advantage of knowing about these 3 stages are that you can keep your radar sharp for Relapse Warning Signs – all different for different people but you need to be able to pick up if you are feeling a bit “off” as Melissa puts it – keeping a journal is a great way of monitoring your emotions
For Melissa it shows up in a lack of self care – if she starts neglecting things like her hair washing routine she will see it as a warning sign and tune in to what’s going on..
You can find plenty more of advice and insight in her book which is available on Amazon
The book is called I’m Sober…So Now What?: A Journey of Hope and Healing by Melissa Witherspoon
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Sober Warriors - with artist Jo Roets

 
My podcast guest this week got sober at about the same time that I did – back in 2015 – which makes us Sober Sisters with 7 years of sobriety.
Jo Roets is an artist and I discovered her amazing work on Instagram one day.  I fell in love with a work of art called:
'Anabantoidei'
You can find this gorgeous work of art on the cover of this Tribe Sober podcast – according to the artist Jo this image “embodies the warrior qualities within the female spirit” and that’s why I decided it was so appropriate for our Tribe – yes we have some awesome guys within our Tribe but the majority of us are certainly warriors in the battle against the booze 
In this Episode
Jo’s drinking wasn’t too hectic during her college years but when she had a child at 23 she found herself feeling resentful of the way her career had ground to a halt whereas her husband’s life had not been disrupted to the same extent
She had another child after a couple of years so drinking wine every evening became her routine - her way to relax
Jo was working as a college lecturer but by the time it got to 4pm her mind was filled with thoughts about drinking – where would she get her wine, how much would she get – and the first thing she would do on arriving home was to pour a glass
Like many of us Jo had no “off” switch - she would continue drinking all evening and what began as one bottle became two – in fact she graduated to wine boxes as it was easier not to think about the quantity she was drinking
She felt that she was trapped and we agreed that daily drinking puts us in a kind of Groundhog Day where we wake up feeling determined not to drink but by late afternoon we’ve changed our mind – basically we’ve been in withdrawal all day and that’s why that first drink tastes so good
One day Jo’s mother in law told her that Jo and her husband both had a problem with alcohol
They were still in denial and felt angry but for Jo the seed had been planted and it was the catalyst for change
The drinking continued for a while and Jo told us the story of passing out in a flower bed in her apartment block – when the caretaker came to help her up she just gave him some money to go and buy some wine – even though she’d already had plenty!
One Sunday Jo realised that she would have to get some help and one of her friends took her to an AA meeting –listening to the shares made her realise that she was not alone in this and gave her a language to express how she was feeling about her drinking
She felt “understood” – that’s why it’s so important to join a sober community who know what we are going through – our friends and family will either tell us to just “cut down” – or if they drink a lot they will reassure us that we are fine and making a fuss about nothing!
As Jo said you need other people in recovery to understand the “depth” of it.. secrets will make you sick and there is no need for any secrets with your sober community – they’ve been there!
Jo threw the book at her alcohol problem – she went to 3 meetings a week and spent her evenings reading about sobriety rather than drinking with her husband
Of course those early months are tough and we agreed that the only priority is to “not drink” and to stack up those alcohol free days – we really need a year of sobriety so that it becomes the new normal
Although AA was not right for Jo’s husband he did eventually ditch the booze and follow Jo’s example – she is so delighted that they are both going to better role models for their children
The biggest benefit of sobriety has been rediscovering who she really is – Jo had lost her true self and has even discovered that as an artist she can connect with a creative force on a much deeper level than when she was painting with a glass of wine next to her
We agreed that the link between alcohol and creativity is yet another myth and Jo is able to work much longer and produce better quality work now she is sober and that alcohol is no longer sapping her energy and motivation
She no longer just “has ideas” – she now actually implements them..
Jo still goes to meetings to sustain her sobriety and now has sponsees of her own, she's also inspiring our Tribe members as a member of Tribe Sober - join our tribe here
It’s so important to stay connected to your sober community – here at Tribe Sober we have people at all stages of the journey – we have people just starting out, people struggling, people doing well and people with several years of sobriety – all inspiring and supporting each other.
We have had members leaving our Tribe after a few months of sobriety as they feel that they are “cured” but then they often return and have to start all over again. The danger of going it alone is that you may get to that stage when you think “surely I can have just one glass of wine now”...  spoiler alert:  you probably can't!
Even if you have been sober for months that doesn’t mean the work is done – it probably does mean the emphasis can shift into discovering new interests to make sure that you thrive in your sobriety.
Paying it forward in the sober community is a wonderful way to stay connected, to stay on track and to help others - that’s what Jo has done by becoming an AA sponsor – and that’s what our Sober Buddies here at Tribe Sober do..
Check out Jo's amazing art by going to her Instagram page
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
  
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

The Online Fitness Revolution - with Johno Meintjes from JEFF

 
Here at Tribe Sober we enable people to quit drinking and then to go on and thrive in their alcohol free lives.  Experience has taught us that six months of “doing the work” can rewire our habits so that we no longer reach for that glass of wine at 6pm.
Six months without booze will result in more energy as well as more time…
That’s why a Tribe membership will link you to various practitioners who will gently introduce you to yoga, hypnotherapy, meditation, art therapy.. and all manner of things that you can try out – either for free or at minimal cost.
Ditching the drink takes you on a journey of self discovery – it’s such an opportunity to reconnect with your true self – who actually are you – and what do you really want out of your life?
I’m always on the lookout for new activities which may be of interest to our Tribe members which is why I was so delighted to meet Johno Meintjies. 
Johno is an international performance coach.  During his career he’s worked with South Africa’s top national sports teams. 
He is also the founder and the inspiration behind the fabulous JEFF fitness community.
Have a listen to our conversation to hear how the Pandemic completely transformed Johno’s business model and how he has empowered and connected his global community with simple, yet profoundly effective tools
Not only does he share his fascinating story but he’s got a very generous offer for Tribe members so do have a listen..
 
In this Episode
After a career coaching SA’s top sports teams Johno was looking to build a business where he could spend more time at home with his young family.
He had plenty of innovative ideas, had moved into new premises and and was just getting his JEFF fitness community started…
and then Covid hit
Like many businesses JEFF had to do a massive and unexpected pivot – Johno re-designed his fitness programs to be “at home” sessions –  he designed the workouts to suit all ages and all levels of ability
In fact 65% of the people who joined up had never exercised before!
There would be feeling of overwhelm when walking into a huge gym full of fit looking people
There would be no body shaming as people could work out in the privacy of their own home and no-one could see them
He started finding ways to link his community as they went through the various fitness programs and discovered that the connections which were taking place were strong
During those difficult and uncertain Covid days people needed to share their feelings as well as exercise their bodies
To get things started he did an online fitness show via FaceBook every morning at 8am – he got his wife involved and it got a huge following – 100 new people signing up every day
He discovered that people needed a new routine - because suddenly they found themselves working from home without much idea of what tomorrow would bring
We agreed on the power of community – Johno has his pillars of nutrition and exercise with community wrapped around them
We also touched on the power of vulnerability and how it’s down to us as facilitators to create the right environment – a safe space where people feel able to share..
Johno set up an amazing 6,500 whatsapp groups in 75 countries – small groups who kept each other accountable and even met up physically sometimes
JEFF also created their very own app
Johno has very kindly put together a special deal for Tribe Sober members – he’s offering a 50% discount on the first month’s membership of JEFF so you can see what it’s all about..
You’ll be able to download the JEFF app, send in your goals and preferences and you’ll get a program which has been tailored to your needs
Have a look at the awesome JEFF website - it’s just jeff.fitness – you can access it HERE
Johno and I agreed that whether its fitness or sobriety the early days are difficult and we have to find innovative ways to keep people on track
During the early days it just feels like hard work and there are no real benefits coming in
We are both very keen on challenges – and in fact in fact here at Tribe Sober we are busy with our annual #Sober66 Challenge – that’s audio, online and community support to get you through 66 days of sobriety
66 days is long enough to change a habit – to build a whole new neural pathway
Sign up anyday during September and your 66 days of support will start from that day so just go to tribesober.com, hit the #Sober66 button and join our 100+ people on the Sober Bus!
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE. 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).