Tribe Sober - inspiring an alcohol free life!

Sobriety is the Ultimate Life Hack! with Kirsty from Soberbuzz

My guest today is Kirsty Mulcahy from Soberbuzz Scotland
Her work is focussed on supporting people to go alcohol free – she also coaches people who are sober and are asking themselves what comes next…
In this episode:-
Kirsty started drinking at the age of 14
The first night she drank she ended up in hospital having her stomach pumped
That one weekend changed the trajectory of Kirsty's schooling
Previously she’s loved school and was doing well but after the stomach pumping incident she hung out with the people she’d been drinking with – she needed to “fit in”
We agreed that even when we get older we still have the need to fit in and one of the fears of quitting is around out identity – who will we be if we don’t drink!
Who will my people be?
We agreed that we are both blessed to be working in the recovery community where we have found our people and get purpose from helping people to change their lives
Kirsty left school early and went to leave abroad at the age of 17
She drank heavily and took recreational drugs until she was 21
Returning to the UK she had the intention of returning to live overseas but she fell in love and had a child
At the age of 27 she separated from her partner and became a single mom
That’s when she realized that she had a problem with alcohol…although she didn’t stop until she was 41
14 years of knowing but not changing..
14 years of thinking this isn’t right but feeling trapped because she had no idea HOW to make a change
I so identify with this and in fact the average time that someone takes from the realization that they have a problem and doing something about it is 11 years
So if you are in that place of knowing that you have a problem but feeling trapped please reach out today… there is help available, go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe!
Apart from not knowing how to quit drinking Kirsty's whole identify was wrapped up in being the party girl
There was also a dark side to the partying which was when she drank alone
When Kirstys mom died suddenly she was 33 and her drinking became heavier
She had no sober people in her life, no role models showing her that an alcohol free life was possible
She had been to an AA meeting in her 20’s but was unable to relate to the people she found there
Apart from the shock of losing her mom Kirsty had to cope with a lot of extra responsibility and she no longer had childcare for when she went to work
She had no coping mechanisms so turned to alcohol
Kirsty tried putting various rules in place around her drinking but ended up breaking them
She had lots of “rock bottoms” but found herself moving the goalposts
For example she thought that if she ever woke up in a strangers house the morning after she would quit
But she did…and she didn’t quit
One of the things that prevented her from getting help was the shame… she just didn’t want to tell anyone how bad it had got
Another factor that kept her trapped was the thought that people would realise that she had a problem if we stopped
When we give up smoking we get congratulated but when we give up drinking we just get lots of awkward questions!
Like many of us Kirsty was high functioning and managed to hold down a job and maintain her parenting role..
She also poured huge energy into keeping everybody happy so that no-one questioned what was going on in her life
Without her mom to look out for her Kirsty felt very alone… there was nobody close to her to see just how bad her drinking had got…nobody to advise her
Her final rock bottom came in December 2017 when she woke up surrounded by empty bottles and drug paraphernalia…
She got on her knees and asked for help…
She couldn’t do this anymore…
If YOU ever wake up feeling exhausted and hungover… and decide you can’t do this anymore please embrace that moment, it’s your turning point so don’t ignore it, reach out for some help 
Kirsty reached out for some help that day.. she signed herself into a crisis centre
When she returned home she went cold turkey
This was a big risk – when she saw a doctor she told her she could have died… after drinking 2-3 bottles of wine plus spirits a day she actually needed a medical detox
Thankfully Kirsty did survive although she describes her detox as “hell”
As she clocked up some alcohol free time she began to realise that it was not drugs or alcohol that she craved… it was love…
When we ditch the booze and go alcohol free we learn how to love ourselves again
It starts with the pride we feel as we achieve some sober time and stay on track
Kirsty had to figure out how to care for herself
She went to bed straight after dinner to avoid thinking about drinking, she drank lots of water, she ate well, she began to be truthful with her friends and she began a journaling and gratitude practice
She took it hour by hour in those early days and it began to stick
The more time that passed since her last drink the more space she got in her mind
She got space to reflect on what she really needed
A beautiful space as she calls it
For the first 6 months her focus was on staying alive and not drinking
When she got to 6 months she realized that she was “doing sobriety”
She kept her head down and focused on getting to her first Soberversary
As she said sobriety is a journey… not a destination
Drinking is about self destruction whereas recovery is about recovering our true selves
When she hit a year of sobriety Kirsty knew she would never drink again
Her life is so different – she describes it as “night and day”
We talked about the fear of losing friends that many of us have when we quit drinking and agreed that we’ve lost some drinking buddies but our true friends have stuck by us
As Kirsty said our friendship circle evolves throughout our lifetime anyway… as she said some friends are for a season, some are for a reason and some are for life..
Some of her friends expressed interest in taking a break from alcohol so she created an online community called Soberbuzz
They were holding sober events but then the pandemic hit
So they shifted to zoom meetings to support each other and share their experiences
We talked about the benefits of sobriety…
For Kirsty the fact that she now has an open line of communication with her daughter is a big one – alcohol used to be the elephant in the room but now they can talk honestly to each other
She has learnt to love herself again and can look back on her life with compassion for that younger woman
She’s escaped the shame cycle which was keeping her stuck
She loves the people that she meets and gets to support
We often say that at Tribe Sober .. we get to create a family with a deep connection, people from all over the world coming together to change their lives
I loved Kirstys description of sobriety as being the best life hack…ever
Kirsty is a life coach working with people in sobriety who often say ..I think I would like to have a couple of glasses of wine… but eventually they say “why would I even want to do that..?”
As we clock up sober time we realise that we are gaining SO much more than we are losing and we don’t want to give up all those benefits
You can find Kirsty on IG at soberbuzzscotland and at skyrosecoaching.co.uk
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
 
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 
 
 

Sobriety Superstar! - Jane’s Transformation Story

 
In this episode I interview an important member of our Tribe Sober team - Jane Rivera.  She came along to a workshop in 2016, ditched the drink and remains a valued Tribe member, inspiring others to change their relationship with alcohol.  
In this Episode
Jane tells her how her mindset has gone from "wanting to die" to "can't get enough of life"
She was introduced to alcohol at an early age as her parents bought a pub in the UK
She moved to Joburg as a teenager but struggled to settle and went off the rails
A happy marriage and two beautiful children still didn't stop her from hitting the wine
Jane finally realised that she would have to make a change when she felt her husband and kids pulling away from her
She heard Janet on the radio and booked a workshop 
She left the workshop thinking she would stay alcohol free for a while and then start drinking moderately
These workshops are now called Kickstart Masterclass and are available via Zoom - more info here 
After a few months of AF living Jane was feeling great and accepted that she would never be able to have "just one glass"
She now loves her AF life, is close to her family again - and loves helping people in our community
She has recently relocated to Norway - an adventure she could never have coped with back in her drinking days!More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
 
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 

Recovery:- It’s a Brain Thing... with Dave & Susan Kenney

 
So my guests today are Dave & Susan Kenney   -  they believe that understanding the brain is the key to recovery and are the pioneers of Actualised Recovery – an approach which combines neuroscience, psychology and lifestyle medicine.  After running their own residential recovery program for a decade they have now pivoted to training recovery coaches. 
 In this episode:-
At school Dave had excelled at sport but had struggled academically leading to him being called “lazy”
Now that he understands so much more about the brain he sees that as a sign of his brain not working properly as he really wanted to do well.. and in fact believes that all children and adults want to do well
He got into university on a sports scholarship and became an educator
In 2008 as educators Dave & Susan noticed many kids struggling socially, academically and with addiction
Although back then they knew nothing about the brain and hadn’t even heard of neuroplasticity they started to wonder whether it was possible to change a brain
They came across the work of a neuro psychologist called Daniel Amen – He had published a book called “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life”
The book is about neuroplasticity which is our ability to rewire our brains
Dave explained the concept that the brain drives behaviour – a concept which has been fundamental to their work and which they decided to apply to the world of recovery and
The brain drives our patterns, our cravings and our choices so if we change our brains we can change our behaviour
Dave explained that he sees the brain as the hardware of a computer and it’s no good addressing the software if the hardware is faulty
So meditation, CBT or any other kind of therapy is not going to work if the brain is not working properly
Dave came up with the analogy that trauma can be likened to a virus on a computer … causing our brains to dysfunction
He also made the point that not everybody becomes addicted to alcohol – the people who do get addicted have a brain which is chemically predisposed to getting relief from alcohol
If we impact and change the brain we can enable the person to create better habits and change their behaviours
The catalyst for applying their knowledge to the recovery world was hearing about a friend who had lost her son to suicide which galvanized them into setting up their own recovery centre
for 12 years they ran a private residential recovery program based on this Brain First approach – helping thousands of people and living on campus themselves
Dave would interview patients on arrival and ask them what they would choose if he could give them anything – nine out of ten said happiness
We discussed the futility of chasing short term goals to be happy – whether that’s a shot of tequila or a new car
Dave shared his favourite word with us with is:-
Eudomonia: which is living a life of long term values – the premise being that happiness and wellbeing come from how we live our lives rather than the pursuit of material wealth or power
For Susan the definition of happiness is a life led with purpose
Their approach fits with Maslows hierarchy which has purpose and self actualization at the top but physiological needs at the foundations – Susan explained that most patients would be dehydrated on arrival so no amount of therapy was going to work until that was put right
They would work on basic health and then the therapies and treatments could come in
There was an essential family component to their recovery program which often involved coaching the family how to agree boundaries rather than making threats
We talked of the importance of changing patterns in early recovery..- you can’t just take away the alcohol and carry on with the same behaviour…
So many of our patterns involve coupling various activities with alcohol – for example cooking dinner while sipping a glass of wine – we have to work on replacing this habit until we can cook happily without the wine
“The more a neuron fires the stronger it wires” in other words our new habits will get stronger over time
Dave & Susan closed their clinic when Covid hit and have now pivoted into training recovery coaches – using all the knowledge they built up working in their clinic over the years
Dave's definition of recovery coaching is simply to enable people to live their limitless lives
They have an internationally certified Recovery Coaching program – an 8 week online program
Unlike many programs they don’t believe that a recovery coach needs to have gone through their own struggles to be a good coach
The rationale being that coaching is about asking the right questions and listening deeply to the answers rather than sharing our own stories
One of their students made the interesting point that people should be trained in recovery coaching before life coaching as understanding the brain and why people do what they do should be the foundation for the kind of goal setting that a life coach would do…
Susan & David are both graduates of the Amen University Brain Education program – so they are brain coaches
Susan is qualified in positive psychology and Dave is doing his PhD in neuroscience and psychology
In spite of their academic qualifications they manage to deliver the knowledge and tools required by their coaches in an easily understood format
A mix of psychology, neuroscience and addiction is on the curriculum
They are able to distil complex issues down to a practical format which can be applied straight away
Their approach is very different to 12 steps and in fact their book is called "Recovery is not about 12 steps – it’s a brain thing"
He disagrees with Step 1 of AA -  "I am Powerless"
A more constructive approach would be Viktor Frankl and Logotherapy… he identifies the stimulus, the gap and the response – we always get a chance to choose during the gap –
That gap is not powerlessness – that’s where our power lies
We only lose our power when we have that first drink
Labelling people "powerless and an alcoholic" is keeping them in a victim role
I explained that Tribe Sober's approach is to enable our members to quit drinking and then to build an alcohol free life they love
The focus is not on living a life of sobriety, rather on enabling people to thrive and discover what they really want out of their lives
Susan agrees that if we focus on building healthy habits and wellbeing the recovery will take care of itself
A nice tip from Susan to calm the brain before sleeping is to have a notebook and write in 3 good things that happened during the day…and to add why at the end … same with gratitude.. that will attach an emotion and make it more meaningful to the brain – it’s the "why" that engages the brain
We talked about the tragic statistic that only 10% of Americans struggling with addiction actually reach out and how we could change that
We also agreed that addiction is a "white collar" problem - people who won't go to AA
They believe the key is to reduce the stigma by education and their current mission is to create a Tribe of Actualized Recovery Coach Warriors to impact more than 1 million people by 2026.
They have a new book coming out ACTUALIZED RECOVERY® — It’s Not About 12-Steps. Recovery is a Brain Thing
You can contact Dave & Susan via their website which is Emergoacademy.com 
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 

How to Heal....after the Drinking with Laura Gujadhur

Even though we offer our members a lot of support already we’re always on the look out for new benefits.
So these days apart from yoga, meditation, coaching, hypnotherapy, art therapy and accountability groups we can offer our members a functional medicine coach.
A Functional Medicine Coach can help us with the transition between drinking a building a healthy lifestyle.  We all know vaguely what we need to do to be healthy but a Health Coach will personalise that plan for you and then ensure that you put it into action!
So Tribe Sober’s new Functional Health Coach is called Laura Gujadhur 
We began by clarifying the difference between functional medicine and conventional medicine.
Laura explained that conventional medicine is disease management and treatment of symptoms whereas Functional medicine looks at the root cause of disease
An example would be going to a conventional doctor with a rash – that doctor would be unlikely to ask you about your diet, your stress levels and whether you’ve had allergy tests -he would probably give you a cream to calm down the rash but he wouldn’t have got to the root cause of whats going on
So functional medicine looks at the root cause of disease and illness and starts from there
Conventional medicine is something we resort to when we are already sick
Whereas functional medicine encourages you to work on your health so that you don’t develop chronic diseases…
You become the architect of your own health
Laura’s interest in health and wellness began about 5 years ago when she quit drinking
A member of her family was diagnosed with depression and immediately put on anti-depressants which didn’t sit well with Laura
About that time she had stumbled across a book called The Ultra Mind Solution by Dr Mark Hyman
In this book he explains that when he heals someone’s gut and sorts out the imflammation the cognitive function improves and depression and anxiety go away
As an ex nurse married to a doctor this came as a revelation to Laura – they never learned anything like this in medical school
Laura decided to approach functional medicine in the same way that she had approached sobriety – she would read everything she could get her hands on
After all Annie Grace’s book “The Naked Mind” had been such an eye opener for her and made her realise that Big Alcohol are inundating us with false messaging
Her research into Functional Medicine made her realise that conventional medicine was simply driven by Big Pharma and that she had been naïve not to question it during her medical training and career.
Laura’s decision to quit drinking for a month came after a party when she woke up with a hangover and thought…enough
She white knuckled her way through the month and used the time that she saved (by not drinking) to read everything she could.
Her belief systems around drinking had already been overturned by The Naked Mind and she realized that she couldn’t go back to drinking
Laura threw the book at her sobriety and like so many others who have succeeded she treated it like a job.
She told her husband she wouldn't be entertaining or going anywhere for three months as she wanted to concentrate on her reading.
We all learn differently so it can be helpful to reflect on our personal learning style as we approach the difficult task of giving up alcohol and learning to navigate society without it.
There are 4 distinct learning styles identified by Honey & Mumford in 1986.
Activist
Theorist
Pragmatist
Reflector
So we all learn how to navigate our alcohol free journey in our own way and shouldn’t be comparing our progress with others… just keep trying and it will come together.
Back to Laura.  What I found interesting was the fact that once she’d done all her research and reading she was absolutely ready to make a firm decision and her mantra was:-
"Never Question the Decision"
I think that’s such a helpful strategy which will stand her in good stead if she has a craving or is under pressure from others to drinking…
She approached her sobriety with the same gusto and enthusiasm that she used to approach her drinking- focusing on what she was gaining rather than losing by leading an alcohol free lifestyle.
However Laura did go into full blown sugar addiction when she quit drinking and wishes that she’d had a functional health coach teach her how to transition which would have resulted in her feeling a lot better sooner.
These days Laura is qualified as Functional Health Coach.
She talked about the 4 pillars of health
Diet/Exercise/Stress Reduction and Sleep and emphasized that a Health Coach could ease the transition into the alcohol free lifestyle and help to avoid a cross addiction.
As she said we all know broadly what we should be doing to stay healthy but the value of a health coach is that she will ensure that you implement and stick to the right eating plan and exercise regime.
We agreed that coaching is super valuable to keep people on track - especially for women.  Laura feels that many women tend to focus on what they haven’t done rather than focusing on their achievements
She said that anyone who has joined Tribe Sober should be proud of themselves,  just admitting that they may be a problem is a huge first step.
Laura offers a free 20 minute call to Tribe Sober members as well as discounted sessions.
You can reach out to her on what’s app +230 58675482 or via email on lauragujadhur@hotmail.co.uk 
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 

Is your Sobriety at Tipping Point? ... with Suzanna Porowski

 
My guest this week is Tribe member Suzanna Poroski - a dance, a choreographer, a singer and a piano player!
She's recently celebrated her first Soberversary so I began our conversation by her to introduce herself
In this episode:-
Suzanna’s first experience of alcohol was at the age of 14 when she got into her father’s brandy
Rather than being repulsed by the taste of it she actually drank it until she blacked out
As Suzanna said enthusiasm for alcohol after the very first drink is a warning sign of possible problems in the future
She also remembers leaving school at lunchtime to drink beers at a friend’s house
Her father was a drinker and her parents divorced when she was 13 - Suzanna left home at an early age
Fiercely independent with an obsessive need to be liked she would go drinking with her friends in bars at the age of 16 – then bring people back to her place for drinks
Drinking and driving was normalized in her friendship group
Suzanna worked as a choreographer at Club Med in Bermuda and created a rule around her drinking
She would only drink every second night – just like the teenage drinking, making rules around our drinking are a sign of dependence
Suzanna describes Club Med as a breeding ground for alcoholics - when she left at the age of 30 she assumed that her drinking patterns would go back to "normal"
As a child of an alcoholic Suzanna was familiar with the 12 steps from her Alateen meetings so when her own drinking started to escalate she went to AA
As a dancer she was under huge pressure to stay slim so also struggled with her eating patterns so she went to Overeaters Anonymous as well!
She did achieve period of sobriety via AA but also had some bad drinking episodes
Like the time she was driving a rented car and woke up after a blackout with no memory of where she’d parked the car
Or the time when she was so shaken by a drunk driving episode that she had to sleep with the lights and tv on for fear of lying in the dark and going into her own head as she puts it – the “bad neighbourhood” I think she called it!
She was in New York on 9/11 so although she wasn’t directly affected just like the rest of the world she was shocked and horrified
Suzanna lost her job as a result of 9/11 which meant she could stay in her apartment – eating drinking and watching Netflix – trying to numb her feelings
She got to a point where the drinking just wasn’t working anymore so she managed quite lengthy spells of sobriety but always went back to drinking
In 2014 she lost her business so once more turned to Netflix, drinking and food to cope
She did manage to quit drinking but replaced it with an obsessive running routine – 5 miles a day and only missing a few days in 17 months
She managed almost 3 years in sobriety with AA and then had a slip up…
At Tribe Sober we often talk about “uncoupling positive experiences from alcohol” – the classic one here in South Africa is “I can’t enjoy the sunset without a glass of wine” – of course we have to replace those patterns with more healthy habits like “watching the sunset with an alcohol free drink”!
So back to Suzanna’s slip up – she’d cleaned the house, done her hair and make up and was waiting for some guests to arrive – everything was good and she felt an irrational urge to celebrate with a drink that had been left over from a previous party…
That’s when she started to wonder if AA was no longer working for her
She dived into the quitlit and started to explore different approaches
At the same time she felt her body was no longer tolerating alcohol like it used to… and giving her physical feedback that life would be better sober
She still had a mental struggle going on, the cognitive dissonance that so many of us are familiar with – our conscious mind telling us to quit and being challenged by our subconscious beliefs that we need alcohol to enjoy our lives
At Tribe Sober we talk about our “Not This” moment
Suzanna had her "Not This" moment when she was walking along a beautiful beach but rather than basking in the beauty of her surroundings her mind was occupied with finding a little bar where she could drink her wine
This made her so angry she decided she was done
As she said “alcohol is insidious – the way it slowly becomes your everything”
Suzanna talked about the Tipping Point that we get to when we’ve been trying to quit drinking for years and then one day something shifts and everything falls into place
All the Sober Stretches you’ve done, all the quitlit you’ve read, all the conversations come together and bring about a shift..
We hear this a lot at Tribe Sober and as Suzanna said it’s the reason why we must never stop trying – it will work in the end
I love what she said about her personal Tipping Point
“it came in quietly, I didn’t tell anybody, I just knew…and I felt a quiet strength”
Suzanna discovered Tribe Sober via this podcast
As a result of the podcast she emailed me for the pdf of our Annual Tracker – if you’d like an Annual Tracker just email membership@tribesober.com and Sue will send you one
Over the last year Suzanna’s been throwing the book at her sobriety – she’s been to our Zoom Cafes and participated in the chatrooms – she’s still reading the Quitlit and like me she's a great fan of Kristi Coulter
I’m going to put a link to Kristi Coulters brilliant essay called Enjoli in the shownotes – it’s a must read for anyone on this journey
She also wrote her Goodbye to Alcohol letter which is on our website 
After a year of sobriety Suzanna is experiencing many benefits but she highlighted self respect, the joy of mornings and the connection with her children.
Her advice to anyone considering this journey is to reach out to someone you trust and be accountable
So many of us tried to achieve sobriety alone but as she said the trouble with that is that it's so easy to cave when its only you who knows you are trying to quit
So if you’re ready to be accountable then just go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe
Suzanna has now trained as a coach so if you’d like more info about that go to her Facebook page and send her a whatsapp or you can email her at coachingwithsuzanna@gmail.com 
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 

Powerfully Sober with Annie McDonnell

My guest this week is Annie McDonnell - an Australian executive with a difficult start in life followed by a 20 years career in the wine industry.  These days she's thriving in her alcohol free life and inspiring others as a Sober Coach.
In this episode:-
Annie’s father had a drinking problem and her parents had a difficult marriage – in fact her mother left the home when Annie has just 14
Unsurprisingly Annie felt angry and abandoned and it was about this time that she discovered that alcohol which became her best friend
Unsure of her career ambitions Annie chose random subjects to study at university – one of them being Viniculture which she loved
She went on to join Australia's burgeoning wine industry and loved her job
Of course she got to hang out with her best friend alcohol every day and a tasting at a 9am sales meeting was not unusual!
Annie enjoyed this lifestyle throughout her 20’s and 30’s but in her 40’s she crashed and burned
She’d known that she had a problem with alcohol for years but just couldn’t imagine life without alcohol
I was the same and we agreed that it was the fear of life without our best friend alcohol that keeps us trapped
I sometimes wish I had a time machine that I could put some of our new members in – those people who are struggling – scoring a few alcohol free days and then giving in to a craving..
In early sobriety its impossible to imagine just how different your life will be if you make this change
Annie came up with a great analogy about rocks – she said that when you are drinking it feels like you are carrying a backpack of rocks and when you stop you put it down….and life feels so much better, so much lighter you marvel at how wrong you were to fear alcohol free living
It does take a few months of hard work but then you are free and your life starts to evolve in the most extraordinary ways so people need to have faith just like my favourite MLK quote
Take the first step on the staircase even if you cant see the top – if you're ready to take that first step just go to tribesober.com and hit “join our tribe” and we’ll take care of the rest!
Annie described her “not this” moment which came in her mid forties as a result of severe anxiety which had left her unable to drive, unable to see people or even to lift a spoon to eat some soup..
"Not this" moments come to us when we are at rock bottom, we know we just can’t do this anymore
Annie signed up for a 100 day challenge and felt great relief that she didn’t have to think about her drinking for 100 days
That’s a great attitude to go into a challenge with – we have our annual 66 day challenge starting on 1st September so if you’d like to join that just go to the homepage of tribesober.com
Annie and I talked about the power that we begin to feel as we become more aligned with who we really are in sobriety – we take control and no longer feel that things are just “happening” to us
Like many of us who have been sober for a few years Annie felt pulled towards helping others so she trained as a Sobriety Coach and we talked about the Sacred Walk experience that she offers
You can find Annie at her website powerfullysober.com, on LinkendIn of via email  annie@powerfullysober.com
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 
 

When Relapse....is seen as a reward! with Jeff Graham

Jeff Graham founded the Bac2Zero sobriety group.  Like many of us in the recovery space Jeff’s initial sobriety goal was simply to quit drinking.  As he recovered his health, energy and creativity he decided he wanted to help others to do the same.   He describes sobriety as freedom – freedom from a world that was once filled with dread, regret and fear.  Although his goal started out simply as one of abstinence, his life has since grown into a life filled with dreams, hope and happiness.
In this Episode
Jeff enjoyed his first beer at the age of 16, it wasn’t so much the buzz he enjoyed as the status – he felt like he “fitted in”.
Much as he enjoyed the social side of drinking he also discovered that he loved to drink alone – he would come home from a night out and have some drinks on his own – he felt like he needed some “Jeff time” as he put it
Many of us are like this – and even in sobriety some of us can still get triggered when we get home from a social event – even when we were drinking AF drinks!
I would work hard to behave myself at a social event and then down a bottle of wine when I got home!
Jeff was into beer and from the age of 23 and was drinking a case of beer a day – of course his friends were all drinkers 
His parents were both alcoholics and that’s why he was drawn to beer rather than spirits – he thought it was “better” – but of course it’s all ethanol!
He started hiding his beers in the garage – so his wife and kids had no idea how much he was drinking or quite how bad it had got
Someone asked him recently if sobriety was “hard” – it made him reflect on just how “hard” it was to be a functioning alcoholic – how hard it was to hold everything together.
He got to the point when he knew he would have to cut down but he couldn’t face it – so he just started hiding his drinks more effectively!
We talked about the buzz and how us drinkers love to maintain the buzz – in fact recent research has shown that the buzz only lasts for 20 minutes and then we carry on drinking to top it up
After some beers Jeff would not go back to “normal” – he would feel lower than normal and reach for the beer to compensate
He was starting to drink earlier in the day but always telling himself that “tomorrow” would be different.
Eventually he ran out of lies – admitted defeat and booked himself into rehab for a week
He needed this stay in rehab to draw a line under his drinking and to make a statement to his friends and family that he wanted to make a change
We find that many of the people who come to our workshops are able to make use of the tools and community to draw that line under their drinking habits and to make a change 
Jeff needed the accountability that came with rehab – he just couldn’t do this alone
He didn’t actually learn much in rehab but he did a lot of self-reflection and of course met other people with the same problems
When he was sharing his story he heard himself saying things that he hadn’t really registered before – that happens at our workshops – people get emotional when they share because they only realise just how unhappy alcohol has been making them when they tell their story out loud.
Three months out of rehab he had a relapse – he wanted a reward, a last “hurrah” as he put it
That did indicate that he still had work to do on his mindset – if we still see alcohol as a reward then it means it will always be hard to resist and we will suffer from FOMO
Once we see alcohol for the addictive toxin it really is we will lose our desire for it which is the key to sustaining our sobriety
After his relapse Jeff took his recovery more seriously – he started to listen more and began journaling to process his thoughts and emotions.
He feels that it’s really important to get the negative thoughts on paper so then we can analyse them – it’s all part of being honest with ourselves.
Of course when he stopped drinking he had to find other things to do – he learned that he couldn’t just wait until he had a craving and then find something else to do – he had to plan it in advance
Jeff learned that he needed a schedule of activities and I think that’s great advice
Try lots of different things and keep yourself busy until you find a routine that really works for you
As he says it’s no good telling him to call someone if he gets a craving – it’s too late by then!
Like myself he loves talking to people in recovery and getting new insights
We talked about discovering purpose and the way we have both found more purpose in our lives from running sobriety groups – he set up Bac2Zero to inspire others on the journey
Interviewing people for Bac2Zero keeps his schedule busy!
He has some great analogies – sobriety is like a haunted house – scary to enter alone but can even be fun if you are with someone else!
And the traffic lights! - sobriety is not a red traffic light!  It’s a green light to freedom, health and happiness – yes there may be a while stopped at the amber light going through an adjustment period but the green light will appear!   Love that one!
Three years into sobriety Jeff is experiencing lots of benefits – increase in his self-worth, reduction of anxiety and closer connection to his family are just some…
We talked about how many of us thought we were ok because we were not the homeless guy on the park bench but Jeff advises that instead of comparing ourselves with the homeless guy we should compare ourselves with the person that we could be…
Even if alcohol doesn’t destroy us it will certainly prevent us from reaching our potential!
We agreed that community is the essential thing that all sobriety groups have in common because connection is the opposite of addiction.
You can find out more about Jeff by going to gettingbac2zero.com website - he's on Instagram as wellMore Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

How a 66 day Sober Challenge changed my life... with Tribe member Claire B

If I had to describe a typical Tribe member then I would pick a lady in her 40’s or 50’s – successful career woman with a family.  Noody would dream that this lady had a problem with alcohol but in fact she’s been worried about her drinking for years.
My podcast guest this week pretty much fits that profile...Tribe member Claire B
In this Episode:
Claire's parents didn’t drink much so her first experience of drinking was as a teenager – 18th birthday parties – vodkas and a sweet concentrated orange juice was her drink
As she says she went straight for the hard stuff but of course had to add sweetened orange juice to make it palatable just as I did with my whisky and coke
As a trainee nurse Claire would drink when she went out but would never drink alone and it was not problematic in those days
In her early 20’s Claire moved from the UK to SA and was struck by the drinking culture – wine at lunchtime and in fact she celebrated her first birthday in SA with a champagne breakfasts!
She embraced this culture and thought it was great!
The first time she began to worry about her drinking was in her late 20’s when she came home from a very boozy lunch and found herself wanting to have another glass of wine
That became a habit for Claire – going out for drinks and then carrying on the party alone when she got home
She realised that like so many of us she didn’t have an “off” button –that’s definitely a red flag… as is drinking alone
Other warning signs are – regularly drinking more than the low risk limits which are just one and a half bottles of wine a week, trying (and failing) to cut down, again and again - …..also when all your social activities revolve around alcohol etc 
I asked Claire if she tried to cut down or set rules for her drinking – she explained that she wanted someone else to set rules for her – she was actually looking for a reason to stop drinking
She thought she’d found one when she relocated to China as she wasn’t expecting alcohol to be so readily available and she remembered welcoming that situation
However she found that alcohol was available and in fact she drank a lot during her 3 years there
She found herself engineering situations where she could drink and as she said the subject took up “a lot of her bandwidth”
People often ask me if they are drinking too much – I explain that if they are thinking about it, even if it’s a niggling thought at the back of their mind…. Then that’s probably a sign that they should take action, even if they are not drinking huge amounts
Quite simply if it’s on your mind.. you’ll be happier without it!
Those of us who’ve spent years trying and failing to moderate know only too well that it takes up far too much mental space – and when we get sober we can find peace
Claire tried the odd alcohol free challenge but found the thought of quitting drinking for ever extremely scary
She began to feel that there were 2 Claires – the sensible one and the other one who was egging her on to drink more
Many of us experience this inner struggle between our rational conscious mind and our subconscious which is holding limiting beliefs about alcohol
Limiting beliefs like “we can’t have fun, relax or socialize” without it
Beliefs which are the result of decades of exposure to marketing and peer pressure convincing us that alcohol is essential to a happy life!
Claire and I both drank for decades and agreed that our neural pathways for drinking were more like Superhighways than pathways!
When we start to build our alcohol free life we are looking to replace that Superhighway with an alcohol free pathway which will in turn become a Superhighway if we stick at our sobriety and continue to do that work
Claire came up with a lovely analogy that her sobriety was like a garden…and just like a garden is never finished and it takes work – just like her sobriety
If someone asks her advice about a family member who might be drinking too much she’s not afraid to point out red flags
I so agree with her that we should speak openly rather than just say “oh I’m sure they are fine” which is the usual response from people
That’s why I’m so grateful to Tribe members like Claire and others who have come on this podcast to share their stories
It means people can hear that having a problem with alcohol does not mean that we are like the homeless tramp which society likes to portray as the alcoholic
They can hear that people with a problem are just like them.. and more importantly that it is possible to make a change and to be so much happier and healthier without alcohol
Claire is quite sporty and as she got into her late 40’s and 50’s she would often take a break from alcohol for a few weeks to prepare for a race…but always went back to drinking
One day she heard me talking on the radio about our Sober Spring – a 66 day challenge we do every year
It appealed to her because she loves a Challenge
So she signed up but was not really planning to participate in the chatgroups but then she realized that she always told her students they must comment and participate with their online forums
So Claire decided to participate in the groups and in fact she threw the book at it – she listened to a podcast a day and followed all our recommendations
We’ve discovered over the years that it’s the people who stay connected with the community are the ones who succeed – connection really is the opposite of addiction
As Claire put it she went into the Tribe Sober experience lock stock and barrel – that’s the way to do it!
It’s no good tinkering around the edges of sobriety – a short break here, another challenge there – we have to treat it like a project, a job and make it our priority for those first few months
Claire realized early on that she would be continuing her sobriety beyond 66 days so she aimed for 100 days and then 6 months which many of our challengers do
It’s important to avoid the overwhelm which comes from the F word (the Forever word) so small steps is the way to do it
Of course Claire would get triggers to drink now and again but she kept herself on track by reminding herself how far she had come and how she wasn’t prepared to lose the progress she’d made
She loved the Tribe Sober community and felt that some of the members had seen inside her own head – she so enjoyed mixing with people who really “got it”
That’s exactly what you need when you are starting out on this journey – people who get it – your drinking buddies will tell you that you are boring and you sensible friends will tell you to just cut down a bit!
You need people who understand the struggle!
I asked Claire how she sustains her sobriety now that her first year has passed
She stays connected with Tribe Sober, goes to our Coffee meetups and participates online, she listens to the podcast and reads the quitlit
In other words she tends her sobriety garden which is so important – we love it when our members stay connected
After all ditching the booze is only 10% of this journey – 90% is building an life you don’t want to escape from and that’s exactly what Claire is doing, as well as inspiring and encouraging newbies
I loved hearing Claire say that she “owned” her sobriety and was happy to talk about it with anyone who asked
Her top 3 benefits are sleep, self esteem and a feeling of peace – she realizes she no longer has to be the one starting the party of being the last person to leave!
Claire mentioned a few techniques that may be of interest to our listeners so let me run through them:-
She talked about the power of journaling – some of us have journaled for years but others are not sure where to begin…. So we are going to run a pop up week on a FB group to help people who want to get started on journaling – that’s at the end of August so watch this space
Straight after journaling week we have our annual 66 day Challenge which begins on September 1st – that’s the Challenge that got Claire started on her journey
There will be more info and sign up pages for journaling week and the 66 day challenge soon but if you drop me an email at janet@tribesober.com we’ll send you the links as soon as they are  up on the website
Or perhaps Claire inspired you to join Tribe Sober with her kind words about us – I loved the way she said that our members can do things at their own pace, no shaming, no one size fits all program – with only 400 members we really are able to offer a personal service
To sign up just go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 
 
 

Drinking problem...what’s your story? with Narrative Therapist Tessa Freeman

My guest this week is narrative therapist Tessa Freeman.
Narrative Therapy is very much in line with our approach at Tribe Sober - because it’s about separating a person from their problem
It’s about ditching the guilt and shame along with the alcohol
I’s about enabling people to realise that they should not label themselves or see themselves as broken or the problem or powerless
Tessa and I have both had a lot of experience of working with groups and agreed that the magic of community is that we can gradually replace our addiction with connection.
In this episode
When Tessa lost her father she needed support so had some narrative therapy
This piqued her interest to such an extent that she decided to train as a narrative therapist herself
She is now a Narrative Therapist specializing in addiction
Tessa explained that (a bit like coaching) narrative therapy is based on the fact that the client is the expert and the therapist walks alongside them (rather than in front of them)
When working with alcohol dependent clients Tessa will always separate the problem from the person which will reduce any feelings of shame
We agreed that addiction can be very isolating but once we join a group we realise that we are not the only one and we feel so much better – eventually connection with the group begins to take the place of the addiction
At Tribe Sober we encourage our members to write a “Goodbye to Alcohol Letter” and you can see some examples on tribesober.com under the podcasts, blogs and more menu
Tessa also uses an analogy explaining that if two women who had been in an abusive relationship with the same man were to meet – they would have an instant bond and realise the damage that relationship had caused.
That makes me think of that beautiful quote by CS Lewis “friendship is born in the moment when one person says to another “you too? – I thought I was the only one”
When I first started working in this field 7 years ago I was amazed by the bond I could see developing so quickly between our members – complete strangers from all over the world but their common experience enables them to be vulnerable and open with each other
We talked about the shares that take place at the beginning of each of our Tribe Sober workshops – when each participant will share just how unhappy alcohol has been making them – these shares demonstrate the power of story telling….
Story telling is of course the foundation of narrative therapy and Tessa explained that we make sense of our lives by the stories we tell ourselves…. And when we share our stories we are bearing our souls and showing who we really are….and also demonstrating the power of vulnerability
We talked about the many false narratives in the public domain and Tessa gave us the example of her friend explaining that if Tessa wanted to have children she would have to have to start drinking because – as her friend put it:-"It takes a vineyard to raise a child"
These kind of stories are so common that eventually we internalize them and look for confirmation bias to convince ourselves they are true
This way they become limiting beliefs
Which are shared by our friends and that’s how a global trend like “mommyjuice” is born
I asked Tessa to explain how she would use narrative therapy to overturn this belief that her friend was holding
The belief that it takes a vineyard to raise a child
Her approach would be to deconstruct the belief ie to stay curious about it and to challenge it
Tessa would take her friend back to a time before she drank when she didn’t hold this belief
She would ask her to think about who she is without alcohol
Tessa would help her friend to externalize her story by searching for good stories – a period in her friend's life when alcohol was not present
She would also remind her that in fact she parents for most of the day without alcohol and she would help her to explore alternative ways of reducing the stress
and then to co-author a new belief which would alter her friends identity
It’s so important to remember that you are never the problem, rather you are the person with a problem
Focussing on the clients strengths make it easier to separate them from the problem
It’s about building and strengthening the alternative stories we can hold about ourselves
Many of us who were/are alcohol dependent have low self esteem from all those years of trying (and failing) to cut down or quit so focusing on our strengths will help to rebuild our feelings of self worth.
I often say that the path to sobriety is about learning to love and nurture ourselves again, about learning to put ourselves first rather than last!
I asked Tessa what she had learned during her time working in the addiction field
She told me that when she started her job she was expecting to be working with a lot of homeless or unemployed people so it was a big surprise that most of her clients were high functioning with good careers.
That’s when she realized that addiction was not a rarity – in fact it had gone “mainstream”
So she learned that addiction doesn’t discriminate between rich or poor, between race or gender – anyone can fall victim to alcohol dependence
In fact the stats tell us that 20% of social drinkers will become dependent over the years
We agreed that although hard drugs are demonized the socially acceptable legal drug called alcohol kills far more – in fact 3M people a year die from alcohol related causes
If you listen to the Tribe Sober podcast interview with Professor Stockwell you will hear his theory that the figure is actually far higher – due to the way the deaths are reported – you can listen to that podcast here.
We talked about the power of group sessions and the relief that people feel when they realise that they are not alone 
Tessa likes to help alcohol dependent clients with a mix of individual and group therapy.
People are often nervous to join a group due to their guilt and shame but Tessa works 1.2.1 with them so they can see the guilt and shame are just tools the addiction is using to prevent the user from seeking help.
We agreed that even when people have clocked up some months of sobriety it’s still important to stay in the group
As Tessa says other problems may pop up and cross addiction sometimes happens
We need to keep adding to our toolkit to ensure that we not only stay sober but we start to build an alcohol free life that we love
We need to make sure that if FAB (fading affect bias) hits and we hear that voice saying that surely we can have just one now….. that we have our community reminding us that actually no we can’t ever have just one – we have to rather use that energy into creating a life we don’t want to escape from
What we’ve seen at Tribe Sober over the years is that from our 400 members we have a core of members who have been sober for years but who stick around to help and inspire the newer members.
Friendships have formed between these members who are in different countries with different life experiences and who all have each others backs
So if you’d like to try the power of community just to go tribesober.com and hit join our tribe
You can reach Tessa via her website www.santcoll.co.za         or via her email which is tessa@santcoll.co.za  
 
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Alcohol dependence and ADHD with Faye Lawrence

 
My guest this week is Faye Lawrence who is the founder of Australia's largest alcohol-free community for the sober and the sober curious.
Their focus is not so much on the “not drinking” bit but more on the socialising without alcohol bit – which is a real struggle for most people after they quit.
They do dinners, bush walks, sober singles nights, live music and ever roller discos.  It sounds like a way to find your vibe as a newly sober person.
Another reason I wanted to talk to Faye was because Research is now showing that there are definite links between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) 
Faye was recently diagnosed with ADHD and was keen to talk about it
In this episode:-
Faye Explained that she’d been in therapy for years but it wasn’t until she stopped drinking that the healing began
She calls sobriety a "portal for growth" - at Tribe Sober we often call it a "springboard for self development"
The combination of alcoholism on both sides of her family and the influence of the boozy Uk culture resulted in Faye beginning to drink at 13
She loved partying and found it enabled her to switch off her overactive brain
She began working in London which of course meant joining the Work Hard/Play Hard culture
Fay had kids quite young and then relocated to Australia
Her drinking calmed down a bit after she had children but then ramped up again when she separated from her husband
She felt isolated as had no family in Oz and hadn’t yet established a friend network
With 2 young children and a full time job she was struggling to cope
Her kids alternated between Fay and her ex for weekends and when her kids were away Faye just wanted to get obliterated for the entire time
For the next 20 years Fay was stuck in the moderation trap – that dreaded cycle that so many of us know
The cycle of trying (and failing) to cut down
Now and again when she had overdone it she would go to alcohol counselling or an AA meeting or to her GP for naltroxene but her denial was strong and of course she didn’t WANT to give up
Such a crucial point Faye made there – its no good trying to quit drinking because we think we should or because our partner or doctor has told us to – we have to WANT to quit and realise that we will be so much happier and healthier without it
She describes herself as a functioning alcoholic – keeping the career and family going and ticking all the boxes
But going to work with terrible hangovers multiple times a week
In 2017 her relationship broke down and the kids left home – she was an empty nester and home alone
That’s when she hit her rock bottom
That’s when she realized she was no longer in control
She didn’t care whether she lived or died
She didn’t even want to drink and she realized the alcohol was no longer doing what she needed it to
It wasn’t enjoyable, or quelling her anxiety or giving her a break from her overactive mind
This made me think of the saying that “sobriety delivers everything that alcohol promised!”
In spite of her rock bottom she still couldn’t stop drinking
Faye’s trigger for change was a trip to her therapist who told her that she looked terrible and had to get some help
She got admitted to hospital for a detox
Faye pointed out that people will be listening to her story and thinking “well I’m not that bad” – she used to think like that but now she realizes that it’s a slippery slope
If you’re on the slippery slope please be smart and step off it as soon as possible – go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe right now
We both love the modern recovery movement and the fact that nobody has to walk into a room full of strangers and say “I am an alcoholic” these days
There are so many different paths to sobriety these days which mean that nobody has to wait until they hit rock bottom
We both relish the mental peace that sobriety brings – no more endless negotiating with ourselves about whether to drink or not!
After her detox Faye threw the book at her sobriety – she took meds, she joined sobriety groups, she want to a counsellor and went to AA
She decided to do whatever it took
She decided to go into this with an open mind
Keeping an open mind is so important – somebody asked me about our Zoom workshop the other day – she was nervous about attending and asked me what on earth we talk about for 4 hours!
I suggested she attend with an open mind…and she loved it!
We panic because we think we can’t survive without our wine but once we join a community and see how other people are loving their alcohol free lives we change our thinking!
Our next Zoom workshop is on 22nd July so just go to tribesober.com and hit our services if you want more info
It made me smile when Faye said that “she’d never done adult life” – apparently our emotional maturity stalls when we start to drink heavily…
Both Faye and I started drinking in our teens so we both had to learn adulting!
You heard Faye mention that it was 17 years between realizing that she had a problem and stopping
You’ve probably heard me quoting that study by the Tempest that says the average time is 11 years
There is such a basic human need to belong which is why many of us non drinkers can feel marginalized (and maybe why Faye and I both started sobriety communities so we could meet like minded people!)
We also agreed that it’s a way to see who our friends really are and that it helps to change the format of our social events
Replacing boozy lunches and nights out with brunches and coffee meetings for example
We agreed that although alcohol is seen as a social lubricant it actually disconnects us and socializing without alcohol leads to more authentic connection
A year ago Faye was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 48
Although there are there definite links between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) none of Faye’s counsellors every mentioned this or suggested it could be an issue for her
She feels a lot of people are suffering unnecessarily due to not being diagnosed
Faye listed a few characteristics of the ADHD brain which sees things as “interesting” or “not interesting” and gets bored quickly
She feels that anyone who feels they may have ADHD should go to their GP for a referral
Faye's top 3 benefits of sobriety were relationship with self, relationship with children and clarity…
As she says sobriety makes a space for good things to happen
That’s something to remember in early sobriety if we feel a bit flat or bored… it’s not always going to feel like this and you’re making a space for good things to happen
Liminal space I think its called…
Finally we agreed that the question is not “Am I an Alcoholic”, the question is “Am I living my best life”, Am I the person I want to be
You can reach Faye via her website Untoxicated.com.au or via her email which is faye@untoxicated.com.au
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