Tribe Sober - inspiring an alcohol free life!

A Drinking and Driving Disaster with Martin Lockett

 
If you’ve ever driven your car after a drink or two then I think this episode is going to send a shiver down your spine
It’s a story of tragedy – and redemption
It’s a story which emphasises the fact that our whole future can change in a split second
My guest this week is Martin Lockett – a guy who made two bad decisions
He decided to drink and drive – and then to jump a red light
Two people died and Martin spent nearly 20 years in prison for manslaughter
His whole life has been defined by this traumatic incident that ended two lives and changed his forever.
 
In this Episode
Although he grew up in a rough area Martin was blessed with two loving parents who did their best to keep their boys busy with after school activities
This worked well for a while but as they became teenagers it was not so easy to manage them – and they started to mix with the wrong crowd.
Like most teenagers Martin was searching for his “identify” – trying different ones on for size
He developed several identities and had the wardrobe and the vernacular to suit each identify
He had his school style, then his part time job style and then his gang style
He was navigating between different worlds, not really feeling comfortable in any of them
This internal conflict drove him to use alcohol to quell his anxiety
Martin’s identify crisis made me think of the inner struggle that we experience when we are drinking too much – we know we should quit but we can’t imagine life without it – so we drink more to quell the anxiety
Like many drinkers Martin was in denial – and able to convince himself that he was ok because his life was pretty functional
He had a job, lived with his girlfriend, paid his bills, was studying to be a nurse
Many functional alcoholics delude themselves in this way – I certainly did – I had a good job and a nice family so I was fine
The thing is it takes a huge amount of energy to hold it all together when we are drinking – energy to get up and go to work when we are hungover, energy to cope with young children when we are exhausted, energy to keep up the pretence that everything is “fine” when we know deep down that it's far from fine.
And one of the many joys of sobriety is that as we free ourselves from the shackles of alcohol we release that energy and can use it in more positive ways
Martin took us through the chilling tale of the New Year’s Eve that changed his future, that split second decision that cost him his freedom
He talked us through the horror of the aftermath – the horror of realising that he had killed 2 people and that the price would be 20 years in prison
And he was only 24 years old
He spoke of the ripple effect of the tragedy – the effect on his own family and friends – and of course of his victims
As he says we can never really imagine the magnitude of our actions – until it actually happens
After a few days in prison he was given a newspaper – there he was on the front page
As he read the article he discovered that his victims were active in the recovery space – his horror at what he had done deepened as he discovered that good people they were
At the end of the article the journalist had written “perhaps the person who will be helped most by this tragedy is the driver”
Martin reflected on this statement for days – how on earth could he be helped by this terrible incident?
For months he would meditate on that phrase which played over and over in his head
Eventually he came to the conclusion that the only way he could try to atone for what he had done would be to spend the rest of his life continuing the good work of his victims
That would be the only way that some good could come out of this tragedy
Just one year into his sentence Martin had the good fortune to meet an incredible woman who offered her support – she stuck by him for more than 16 years and is now his fiancé
When she heard that he wanted to be an addiction counsellor she discovered that he could study this from prison
She helped him with his tuition fees and Martin also inherited some money when his father died – he knew that spending this money of his education was the best way to honour his father memory
Martin threw himself into his studies which had the added benefit that he was not approached by gang members – they could see he was serious in his ambitions
He gained a Bachelors degree in sociology and a Masters in psychology before going through an intensive drug and alcohol addiction program
He was then able to build up clinical hours by working as an intern - running group sessions for some of his fellow prisoners which enabled him to qualify as a counsellor
He got his state certification as a Substance Abuse Counsellor in 2019 – and was released from prison in 2021
Martin shared the shocking statistic that 80% of prisoners are incarcerated as a result of drug or alcohol related offences
Yet in Oregon only 5% of those prisoners have access to a substance abuse program
Martin was influenced by the work of Viktor Frankl which helped him to get through his prison sentence.
Frankl is an Austrian psychiatrist who spent time in a concentration camp during the war and who maintains that however dire our circumstances if we can find purpose we can survive – and that purpose must involve serving others
We talked about forgiveness and of course it took several years for Martin to forgive himself – he was often full of sadness and self loathing, reliving every detail of the crash especially on the anniversary of the event
He eventually managed to pull himself out of this dark place and direct his energy toward the pledge he had made to honour his victims by continuing their work and even before leaving prison he has made an impact on thousands of people
Martin talked about leaving prison and how overwhelmed he felt – everything had changed!
Whilst prison is grey and drab and the world seemed full of colour
Clothes were different, phones were computers, social media was a thing and there was even an online recovery movement
He struggled with choice – going into a supermarket and having 30 different types of cereal to choose from!
Fortunately he had his fiancé to give him a crash course in technology and help him to adapt to the outside world – and remember to write down his passwords!
He admitted that he had been slightly apprehensive about being bored as he had never really functioned as a sober adult before
But of course it was the opposite and he’s been travelling, sky diving, cruising to the Bahamas and learning to swim amongst other things!
And of course full of joy and appreciation at his beautiful new life
Apart from having fun Martin continues to work full time to honour his victims and to continue their legacy
He feels compelled to keep sharing his story to honour his victims and to spread the word about the agony that can result from drinking and driving
He speaks at Victim Impact Panels, mans a suicide helpline and speaks to schools
As well as being a public speaker he has written two books – "Prison to Purpose Pipeline" and "My Prison Life" – you can buy the books from Amazon or from his website which is martinlockett.com
I told Martin that we had a 64% youth unemployment rate here in South Africa and asked him what he would say to a young person with no job and little hope for the future
He advises young people to “stay in the fight” – even if the odds seem to be stacked against them
Don’t give up on yourself – take steps in the right direction and eventually doors will open
He quoted Martin Luther King who said that “Faith is taking that first step even if you can’t see the whole staircase”
I actually love that quote and think we can apply it to people just starting out on the sobriety journey – it can be so difficult to imagine that we have so much to gain from giving up alcohol – it takes faith – that’s why we need to do it step by step (even if we can’t yet see the whole staircase!)
 
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
 
 
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

My Rock Bottom was Sex Work with Desiree-Anne Martin

My guest this week is Desiree-Anne Martin.  Her addiction to drugs and alcohol kept her at rock bottom for two years – using sex work to fund her heroin habit.
Despite everything she managed to turn her life around and these days she is a happily married mother of two girls as well as a qualified addiction counsellor
At the age of 41 she published her first book – a memoir called “We Don’t Talk About It. Ever”
It’s an unforgettable book and by sharing her experience, strength and hope, Desiree-Anne has given many others a platform to speak out and to begin the road to recovery.
In this Episode
Desiree’s addictions began with slimming pills which she could buy over the counter here in South Africa. They contained amphetamines and she was on 10 a day, losing weight and full of energy!
She moved to the UK and was horrified to discover that she would need a doctors script to get these pills
Always on the lookout for something to give her a buzz Desiree turned to alcohol
She was drinking and comfort eating to keep her warm during the UK’s harsh winter.
Result was that she regained the weight she had lost which made her depressed.
When her UK visa expired she returned to South Africa and was delighted to discover that everyone she knew was now getting high at the weekends.
The rave culture had exploded and drug taking was normalised
It was the perfect sub-culture to slot into with her ever growing addiction
She was taking MDMA, Crystal Meth, LSD and Ecstacy
Just like drinkers she had her “rules” and vowed she would never take crack cocaine or heroin – but just like drinkers she broke that rule.
She fell in love with a heroin addict.
When he told her about his addiction she was unphased – she could cope – after all she’d seen the movie Trainspotting so knew how it all worked!
She stuck by him because her parent’s marriage had showed her that you stuck together “no matter what”
However the “no matter what” that Desiree was dealing with led to her trying heroin herself
She vomited after her first hit but she persevered! (as she put it)
It was like a warm blanket that blanked out all her emotions
It takes years, sometimes decades for people using alcohol to become dependent but hard drugs like heroin are a different matter
Desiree was hooked within a matter of week until eventually she needed it just to feel normal
Her daily struggle became keeping the withdrawal at bay
A friend dragged her to AA/NA – she did attend meetings now and then but was usually high – she would lie about her clean time because she wanted the praise
Her rehab journey began when her dad drove her out into the middle of nowhere to a rehab that Desiree describes as a concrete tank for people to withdraw from whatever they were taking – no support or rehabilitation included – just a few goats hanging round!
She managed to get expelled from that rehab for fraternizing
Then she went to live with her mom who did everything she could to control her (including locking her in)
All that interested Desiree was escaping so she could get her hands on some heroin
Eventually she ran out of resources to fund her drug habit so had to resort to sex work, which of course led to a lot of shame, which of course led to more drugs to cope with the shame – a terrible spiral to be trapped in
Her long suffering mother found another rehab – and finally things began to change
Desiree was so tired from secrets and shame which she felt were rotting her from the inside out that she began to “tell her story” – she began “speaking her truth”
She made the choice to get clean – to choose life – and she told her story over and over
This rehab worked because they taught her to speak her truth, which set her free
Once she decided to use the 12 steps she was “all in” – we see that at Tribe Sober – the people who go “all in”, the ones who “throw the book at it” are the ones who succeed
Desiree's first year of recovery was mainly about “not using” and meant a complete overhaul of her lifestyle
She felt a great sense of loss, she mourned the loss of heroin and had to learn to deal with her feelings again
At the beginning her feelings were either good – or bad - but gradually they became more complex which was difficult as she could no longer use heroin to numb them out
She also discovered that she had mental health issues which had been masked by her drug taking so she began therapy
She learned that the drinking and the using had been symptomatic of the multiple traumas she had dealt with over the years.
Many people in our community love the work of Gabor Mate which emphasises the link between trauma and developing an addiction
Desiree has finally shed the shame, is now 18 years sober and spends her time helping and inspiring others
At the age of 41 she published her memoir “We don’t want to talk about it – ever” her story continues to give people hope that shows that there is a way out
If you want to learn more about Desiree or book a counselling session with her you can go to her website which is desreeannemartin.com and her book is available on Amazon
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).
 

Getting Sober at Seventy with Tribe member Ros

 
I always love featuring a Tribe Member on the podcast but this week it’s particularly special as Tribe member Ros is celebrating her first Soberversary.
All of those Sober Firsts are important – the first time we socialise without alcohol, the first time we go on holiday
Even Sober Packing (!) – it seems to be a thing for some of our members and of course the Soberversary is a culmination of all of those Sober Firsts
A whole year of sobriety is enough for most people to nail the “not drinking” part – and then to start reconfiguring their lives – creating a life they don’t want to escape from!
I often say that if we really want to stop drinking we have to throw the book at it – and Ros is a fantastic example of the results you get if you do that 
Ros had been drinking for decades and knew that she would have to make a change so she joined the Tribe.
She turned up on Day one – looking wobbly and tearful at our weekly Zoom Café.  She came to Zoom every single week and it was such a joy to see her getting stronger and looking happier as time went by.  Ros put the work in and as a result she only ever had One Day One..
She used the Tribe Roadmap and worked her way systematically through our 7 steps – she got connected, she did the prep, she did the work and then she moved into healing her body and mind. 
 
In this Episode
Ros came from a non drinking household and apart from the odd half a pint of beer in the pub with her friends her teenage years were alcohol free
As she got into her 20’s Ros left the UK and began a career in tourism – where drinking was very much part of the work hard/play hard culture.
She began to drink regularly and with enthusiasm
Ros lived in Mexico for a couple of years and discovered that there was a drink that was stronger than tequila – strong enough to put her in hospital in fact
As she says “if it was there I would drink it”
Like many of us Ros was into healthy eating and going to the gym but no way was she going to relinquish the booze!
In fact she was blissfully unaware of the toxicity of alcohol and had no idea that the “low risk” limits of alcohol are one and a half bottles of wine a week.
In fact the WHO now recommend that if we want to be healthy we don’t drink any alcohol at all
I could do a whole episode on the toxicity of alcohol but let me just give you Russell Brand’s brilliant answer when people ask him why he’s not drinking – he simply says “that stuffs flammable you know” ;-)
Thanks to our workshop Ros is now more than aware of just how much damage alcohol does
She lost both her sisters to cancer and reflected back to the time she spent in a hospice with one of her sisters – there were lots of health experts coming in to talk about healthy eating but not one word about alcohol!
Not a word about the fact that alcohol is linked to 7 different types of cancer and that drinking more than 3 small glasses of wine a week raises your risk of breast cancer by 15%
We both agreed with the research that says it takes most people about a decade to recognise that we have a problem – and then to actually do something about it
We both wasted far too long setting rules around our drinking and trying to moderate!
Ros recognised that she needed help about 10 years before joining Tribe Sober but once she did everything changed for her
She felt such a sense of relief that when she met other people who had the same “problem” with alcohol she realised that she was not alone in this
If you’re feeling alone in your struggle then please check out Tribe Sober – we are here for you and nothing makes us happier than helping people to ditch the booze and change their life
Ros took all of our advice to heart and accepted that sobriety is not something we do “on the side” or “tinker round the edges” – we have to make it a priority, forget the people pleasing and learn to put ourselves first
Ros coped with her social life by taking our advice to “be an anthropologist” – learn to be an observer and watch how people change as the drinking progresses – no need to judge anyone, come from a place of curiosity
She got through her Sober Firsts, taking pleasure in every achievement and sharing them with us at the Zoom Café – she even did a Sober Cruise!
We talked about the value of the Annual Trackers we use – although it might seem a bit low tech to have a piece of paper divided into 365 squares it works better than the trackers on your phone which just take you back to zero if you have a slip up
With our trackers you colour in every single alcohol free day so that you can observe your Sober Stretches and see that they are getting longer
As Ros didn’t have a single slip up she took great pleasure in colouring in her tracker and then posting it on our chatgroup on Screenshot Saturday
Our Annual trackers give perspective and keep us motivated – if you would like one just email me – janet@tribesober.com
As she enters her second year of sobriety Ros is planning to relax into it – it’s the new normal and her husband is also sober.
After a few months of watching Ros her husband decided to do our Sober Spring Challenge to keep her company – and he’s been sober ever since!More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
  
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Relapse Warning Signs with Melissa Witherspoon

 
My podcast guest this week is the author of a very touching memoir called:-
I’m Sober…So Now What?: A Journey of Hope and Healing by Melissa Witherspoon
That’s an excellent question and there’s definitely quite a difficult stage that we reach when we are in early sobriety…
For many of us it’s a bit of a void – a kind of flatness when we suffer from anhedonia – we haven’t found our Sober Feet yet and we are certainly not thriving and enjoying our sobriety
Our old routines are messed up, our drinking buddies are keeping their distance and we are not entirely sure what to do with ourselves..
That’s why we aim to take people on a 7 stage journey here at Tribe Sober – because there is so much more to recovery than “not drinking”
We help people to ditch the booze and then introduce them to yoga, coaching, meditation, art therapy so they can explore and start to build their alcohol free lives – a life they won’t want to escape from.
Melissa Witherspoon calls her memoir a journey of hope and healing and it really is..
Anyone who has been struggling for years will take hope from this book – Melissa spent decades struggling with alcohol – in and out of rehab – getting sober and then relapsing – but it finally stuck..
In this Episode
Melissa came from a happy home but struggled at school. Suffering from Attention Deficit and Dyslexia when neither condition was really acknowledged meant that either her teachers or her classmates were giving her a hard time
She never really found a friendship group at school – not until she got to High School when she finally found “her people”
Trouble was her new friends were mostly boys and a bit older than her – and they were using drugs and alcohol – but she was happy - she finally felt that she was “fitting in”..
She was so influenced by this group that she left home and turned her back on everything she knew
Melissa found herself living with a bunch drug dealers in what she describes as a “den of inequity”
She felt so free and grown up – she could come and go as she pleased and had access to the drugs and alcohol she wanted – she loved it!
However things got quite “dark” and Melissa was rescued during a police raid!
In one way this was a relief but her mum was in denial about what had been happening and Melissa was just expected to slot back in to “normal” life…without any help
She was full of shame and guilt and finally managed to get some counselling at the age of 21 but she wasn’t open with her counsellors so ended up carrying her shame and guilt into her 20’s and 30’s
She coped with the pain by drinking and using drugs – and for two decades she was in and out of rehabs, making poor decisions and then dealing with the consequences
For some periods she managed to keep up an external façade that she was coping but inside she felt she was falling "down the rabbit hole" 
Melissa went to one rehab to help her come off alcohol and Xanax – when she left they gave her a bag of pills– pills she subsequently used in a suicide attempt
Her life was only saved when her husband came home unexpectedly
Back in rehab she remembers how irritated she was with the “one day at a time” mantra – she couldn’t even get the schedule for the following day as she was told to just focus on today..
With perspective she now appreciates how it can work and even today she finds herself saying “one day at a time Melissa” if she feels anxious or stressed – a good habit for all us I think
Another mantra she’s learned to love is “progress not perfection”
We use that a lot here at Tribe Sober – we’re currently running our annual 66 day challenge and many people are daunted by the thought of 66 sober days – but we give them a tracker and tell them to mark their Sober Stretches – how many stretches can they do? Are they getting longer?  How many alcohol free days did they manage out of 66 – that’s progress not perfection
While we are at it lets look at some more Sober Cliches that actually help – how about “this too shall pass” – whether we are reflecting on a tough day resisting the triggers or being hit by one of those “lows” that we feel even when we are sober - "this too shall pass" can help to soothe us
Another one is “one is too many and a thousand isn’t enough” – that’s one to remember if you’ve been sober for a few months and think “ok I’m fine now – I can have just one” – well spoiler alert – you probably can’t!
Finally how about “there is no problem that alcohol won’t make worse” -  if we’ve been using alcohol as a coping mechanism for years it can be SO difficult not to start drinking again if we get some bad news… but of course the problem will still be there – along with a crashing hangover when we sober up..
These sayings might be clichéd, but they have been really helpful to many of us here at Tribe Sober. I hope that they’ll be just as helpful for you. If anyone has any favorite sobriety sayings, please send them to janet@tribesober.com and I’ll read them out on the podcast
Melissa was always worried about becoming a “Dry Drunk” – that happens when you get sober but you don’t "do the work", you don’t change your life
There is so much more to recovery than “not drinking” and that’s the journey we take you on at Tribe Sober – apart from introducing you to various therapies and offering you coaching we welcome you to our community where many people are already sober and will inspire you with the creativity and connections they have discovered so they can thrive in their sobriety – not just get through it like a Dry Drunk does..
To join our community just go to tribesober.com and hit “join our tribe”
Melissa’s husband is in logistics and loves spreadsheets – so he created a spreadsheet of activities and timings to make sure that Melissa kept very busy in early sobriety – and it worked!
This is a definite technique that works for many people – we have to keep our mind occupied so we don't end up thinking about drinking!
Have a listen to Tribe Sober episode 105 with Jeff Graham who explains exactly how this technique worked for him
Apart from loving sobriety cliches I’m very keen on analogies and Melissa talked about the “family in recovery” being like a boat
People get used to their roles and if one of them changes the whole boat needs rebalancing – for example Melissa’s husband got upset when she was no longer relying on the schedule he had set up for her – she was getting better and no longer needed rescuing
This is linked to co-dependency  – and the whole family may need counselling if these patterns have been fixed for years
From her experiences Melissa has observed that there are 3 stages of relapse
Stage 1 is emotional relapse – not even thinking about drinking yet but observing the triggers that seem to be getting more frequent
Stay in Stage 1 long enough without taking action and you may move to
Stage 2 which is the mental relapse when you start to feel uncomfortable in your skin – and skip activities like connecting with your sober tribe and sticking to your exercise routine – all things that relieve triggers
Stay in Stage 2 long enough and you may move to
Stage 3 which is physical relapse when you are back in active addiction
The advantage of knowing about these 3 stages are that you can keep your radar sharp for Relapse Warning Signs – all different for different people but you need to be able to pick up if you are feeling a bit “off” as Melissa puts it – keeping a journal is a great way of monitoring your emotions
For Melissa it shows up in a lack of self care – if she starts neglecting things like her hair washing routine she will see it as a warning sign and tune in to what’s going on..
You can find plenty more of advice and insight in her book which is available on Amazon
The book is called I’m Sober…So Now What?: A Journey of Hope and Healing by Melissa Witherspoon
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Sober Warriors - with artist Jo Roets

 
My podcast guest this week got sober at about the same time that I did – back in 2015 – which makes us Sober Sisters with 7 years of sobriety.
Jo Roets is an artist and I discovered her amazing work on Instagram one day.  I fell in love with a work of art called:
'Anabantoidei'
You can find this gorgeous work of art on the cover of this Tribe Sober podcast – according to the artist Jo this image “embodies the warrior qualities within the female spirit” and that’s why I decided it was so appropriate for our Tribe – yes we have some awesome guys within our Tribe but the majority of us are certainly warriors in the battle against the booze 
In this Episode
Jo’s drinking wasn’t too hectic during her college years but when she had a child at 23 she found herself feeling resentful of the way her career had ground to a halt whereas her husband’s life had not been disrupted to the same extent
She had another child after a couple of years so drinking wine every evening became her routine - her way to relax
Jo was working as a college lecturer but by the time it got to 4pm her mind was filled with thoughts about drinking – where would she get her wine, how much would she get – and the first thing she would do on arriving home was to pour a glass
Like many of us Jo had no “off” switch - she would continue drinking all evening and what began as one bottle became two – in fact she graduated to wine boxes as it was easier not to think about the quantity she was drinking
She felt that she was trapped and we agreed that daily drinking puts us in a kind of Groundhog Day where we wake up feeling determined not to drink but by late afternoon we’ve changed our mind – basically we’ve been in withdrawal all day and that’s why that first drink tastes so good
One day Jo’s mother in law told her that Jo and her husband both had a problem with alcohol
They were still in denial and felt angry but for Jo the seed had been planted and it was the catalyst for change
The drinking continued for a while and Jo told us the story of passing out in a flower bed in her apartment block – when the caretaker came to help her up she just gave him some money to go and buy some wine – even though she’d already had plenty!
One Sunday Jo realised that she would have to get some help and one of her friends took her to an AA meeting –listening to the shares made her realise that she was not alone in this and gave her a language to express how she was feeling about her drinking
She felt “understood” – that’s why it’s so important to join a sober community who know what we are going through – our friends and family will either tell us to just “cut down” – or if they drink a lot they will reassure us that we are fine and making a fuss about nothing!
As Jo said you need other people in recovery to understand the “depth” of it.. secrets will make you sick and there is no need for any secrets with your sober community – they’ve been there!
Jo threw the book at her alcohol problem – she went to 3 meetings a week and spent her evenings reading about sobriety rather than drinking with her husband
Of course those early months are tough and we agreed that the only priority is to “not drink” and to stack up those alcohol free days – we really need a year of sobriety so that it becomes the new normal
Although AA was not right for Jo’s husband he did eventually ditch the booze and follow Jo’s example – she is so delighted that they are both going to better role models for their children
The biggest benefit of sobriety has been rediscovering who she really is – Jo had lost her true self and has even discovered that as an artist she can connect with a creative force on a much deeper level than when she was painting with a glass of wine next to her
We agreed that the link between alcohol and creativity is yet another myth and Jo is able to work much longer and produce better quality work now she is sober and that alcohol is no longer sapping her energy and motivation
She no longer just “has ideas” – she now actually implements them..
Jo still goes to meetings to sustain her sobriety and now has sponsees of her own, she's also inspiring our Tribe members as a member of Tribe Sober - join our tribe here
It’s so important to stay connected to your sober community – here at Tribe Sober we have people at all stages of the journey – we have people just starting out, people struggling, people doing well and people with several years of sobriety – all inspiring and supporting each other.
We have had members leaving our Tribe after a few months of sobriety as they feel that they are “cured” but then they often return and have to start all over again. The danger of going it alone is that you may get to that stage when you think “surely I can have just one glass of wine now”...  spoiler alert:  you probably can't!
Even if you have been sober for months that doesn’t mean the work is done – it probably does mean the emphasis can shift into discovering new interests to make sure that you thrive in your sobriety.
Paying it forward in the sober community is a wonderful way to stay connected, to stay on track and to help others - that’s what Jo has done by becoming an AA sponsor – and that’s what our Sober Buddies here at Tribe Sober do..
Check out Jo's amazing art by going to her Instagram page
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
  
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

The Online Fitness Revolution - with Johno Meintjes from JEFF

 
Here at Tribe Sober we enable people to quit drinking and then to go on and thrive in their alcohol free lives.  Experience has taught us that six months of “doing the work” can rewire our habits so that we no longer reach for that glass of wine at 6pm.
Six months without booze will result in more energy as well as more time…
That’s why a Tribe membership will link you to various practitioners who will gently introduce you to yoga, hypnotherapy, meditation, art therapy.. and all manner of things that you can try out – either for free or at minimal cost.
Ditching the drink takes you on a journey of self discovery – it’s such an opportunity to reconnect with your true self – who actually are you – and what do you really want out of your life?
I’m always on the lookout for new activities which may be of interest to our Tribe members which is why I was so delighted to meet Johno Meintjies. 
Johno is an international performance coach.  During his career he’s worked with South Africa’s top national sports teams. 
He is also the founder and the inspiration behind the fabulous JEFF fitness community.
Have a listen to our conversation to hear how the Pandemic completely transformed Johno’s business model and how he has empowered and connected his global community with simple, yet profoundly effective tools
Not only does he share his fascinating story but he’s got a very generous offer for Tribe members so do have a listen..
 
In this Episode
After a career coaching SA’s top sports teams Johno was looking to build a business where he could spend more time at home with his young family.
He had plenty of innovative ideas, had moved into new premises and and was just getting his JEFF fitness community started…
and then Covid hit
Like many businesses JEFF had to do a massive and unexpected pivot – Johno re-designed his fitness programs to be “at home” sessions –  he designed the workouts to suit all ages and all levels of ability
In fact 65% of the people who joined up had never exercised before!
There would be feeling of overwhelm when walking into a huge gym full of fit looking people
There would be no body shaming as people could work out in the privacy of their own home and no-one could see them
He started finding ways to link his community as they went through the various fitness programs and discovered that the connections which were taking place were strong
During those difficult and uncertain Covid days people needed to share their feelings as well as exercise their bodies
To get things started he did an online fitness show via FaceBook every morning at 8am – he got his wife involved and it got a huge following – 100 new people signing up every day
He discovered that people needed a new routine - because suddenly they found themselves working from home without much idea of what tomorrow would bring
We agreed on the power of community – Johno has his pillars of nutrition and exercise with community wrapped around them
We also touched on the power of vulnerability and how it’s down to us as facilitators to create the right environment – a safe space where people feel able to share..
Johno set up an amazing 6,500 whatsapp groups in 75 countries – small groups who kept each other accountable and even met up physically sometimes
JEFF also created their very own app
Johno has very kindly put together a special deal for Tribe Sober members – he’s offering a 50% discount on the first month’s membership of JEFF so you can see what it’s all about..
You’ll be able to download the JEFF app, send in your goals and preferences and you’ll get a program which has been tailored to your needs
Have a look at the awesome JEFF website - it’s just jeff.fitness – you can access it HERE
Johno and I agreed that whether its fitness or sobriety the early days are difficult and we have to find innovative ways to keep people on track
During the early days it just feels like hard work and there are no real benefits coming in
We are both very keen on challenges – and in fact in fact here at Tribe Sober we are busy with our annual #Sober66 Challenge – that’s audio, online and community support to get you through 66 days of sobriety
66 days is long enough to change a habit – to build a whole new neural pathway
Sign up anyday during September and your 66 days of support will start from that day so just go to tribesober.com, hit the #Sober66 button and join our 100+ people on the Sober Bus!
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE. 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Finding Meaning in Recovery with Anthony Eldridge-Rogers

 
During my corporate career I had worked as an executive coach and when I founded Tribe Sober I decided I needed to add recovery coaching to my skillset.  I asked around for recommendations and was told that I must contact Anthony Eldridge-Rogers as he is the pioneer of Recovery Coaching in the UK.  So I enrolled on his recovery and wellness coaching course and learned all about his meaning centred coaching model. 
Anthony started his adult life as a survivor of a whole heap of challenges from addiction to homelessness. Over several years he managed to turn it around and learn to thrive in spite of his difficult start in life.
 
In this Episode
Anthony told us about his difficult childhood and how his mother became an addict and spent time in psychiatric hospitals.
Along with his siblings he moved in with his grandmother who was also addicted to drugs.
The only way the children found to deal with the trauma was to use drugs themselves
Anthony discovered the power of a mood altering substance at a very young age and was drinking alcohol at 9 years old
He loved the way it made him feel – the way his shyness and anxiety just fell away
He continued to abuse alcohol into his teens, adding drugs into the mix
Anthony’s mother got worse and (as he puts it) he had a front row seat to the horror show
Intuitively he knew that her psychiatric issues were linked to her drug use
Her doctors were desperate so shipped her off to a rehab where she arrived with a suitcase full of drugs
It took 3 or 4 months to wean her off the drugs and then to encourage her to mix with the other people as she began work on the 12 steps
Much to everyone’s amazement the program worked and Anthonys mother rose “as a phoenix from the ashes” – from a “basket case to a sane and loving woman”
Someone who was truly contrite about the damage she had inflicted on her 3 children
Anthony found all this emotion totally overwhelming – along with the shock of getting his mother back after all these years
So he hit the bottle – hard – for months – but the miracle of what had happened to his mother was by then firmly lodged in his brain
When attending family therapy his counsellor told him he had a drink problem – he was annoyed by this comment but it stuck in his brain
At the age of 19 he had a “road to Damascus” moment and knew that he would have to stop drinking so he started going to AA meetings
Anthony reflected that giving people hope is such an important part of the work that we do in recovery – and the people who Anthony was meeting during that period were giving him hope
They were telling him he was “treatable” and of course his mom had shown him that it was possible
So he got sober with a mix of rehab and 12 step meetings
Anthony had a career in the film industry but when he became a dad he decided to train as a coach
We reflected that whereas therapy tends to look backwards into our childhoods coaching was more about looking at the future
Anthony had been in therapy for many years and no longer wanted to talk about his relationship with his mother which of course all the therapists wanted to focus on – that approach no longer worked for him
As he went through his coaching training he had a massive aha moment – he felt like he had found the missing part of the puzzle
It occurred to him that the coaching skills that he was learning could be of great help to people as they move through their recovery
He came up with a great analogy about the intensive work done in rehab and how after detox and treatment the rehab will shoot the client out into orbit - but without the requisite coping skills they will just fall back to earth
Although they may have learned a lot in rehab and been weaned off the drugs they need coaching when they leave – to help them develop the coping skills to manage in the outside world
As Anthony put it – let's get the wheels back on the truck in rehab and then look at recovery coaching after that
Because the therapeutic approach, nor even having a sponsor was hitting the spot
As he began to research his coaching model he looked at the metrics of recovery
His research showed him that meaning and purpose were integral to recovery
Take away meaning and purpose from someone’s life and it will psychologically collapse
We are very conscious of that here at Tribe Sober – conscious that recovery is about so much more than “not drinking” – once our members have managed to quit drinking we then help them to learn to thrive in their alcohol free life which of course means discovering their meaning and purpose
If you want to take a look at our 7 step model that guides our members through this journey just go to tribesober.com and hit “join our tribe”
Finding our meaning and purpose makes us more resilient, unlocks our energy and gives us a feeling of connection
I love what he says about coaching being recoding the brain – just as we paste a bit of code into our computer – we can do that with our brain via coaching
You heard us talking about neural pathways and at the moment we are running our annual 66 day alcohol free challenge – its called #Sober66 and you can sign up anyday during September – you will get 66 days of community, online and audio support form the date you sign up
I asked Anthony what he would say to someone who was struggling – his message is one of hope – millions of people have conquered their addiction and gone on to have wonderful lives
So reach out for help and don’t go it alone – go to tribe sober and hit “join our tribe” if you’d like to give us a try
The best way to connect with Anthony is via LinkedIn More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

#Sober66 - Your Annual Sober Challenge!

One of the ways we’ve been helping people is via our regular alcohol free challenges – which are a great way to dip your toes into the waters of sobriety and also to test your dependence.  If you find our challenges a breeze then that’s awesome – but if you find them really difficult then that’s a clear sign that you need to make a few changes.
As a result of the pandemic and also of this podcast Tribe Sober had become much more international these days
Our Sober Spring Challenge used to be full of locals but over the last few years we’ve been joined by Brits, Europeans and Americans – and if course in those countries it’s not Spring at all!  Even if it’s not Spring where you live September is a great month for a new start, it’s often a month when those daily routines shift a bit… a time when the kids go back to school or even leave the nest for college..
So to make our Sober Spring more more international we are rebranding it..
You’ve all heard of Route 66 – well our challenge is going to be called #Sober66 – it’s 66 alcohol free days…with plenty of support to get you through
 
In this episode:-
This challenge really is life changing and if you have any doubts about that just dig into some of our previous Tribe Sober podcasts
Episode 12 with Chez, episode 15 with Kai, 16 with Christelle, 17 with Sheila and 21 with Lebo,
Each of those episodes is called “How the Sober Spring Challenge Changed my Life” 
There are SO many reasons to take a 66 day break from the booze but I’ll constrain myself to just 10:-
REASON 1 – ITS LONG ENOUGH TO SEE BENEFITS
REASON 2 – YOU’LL GO FROM MERELY MOTIVATED TO INSPIRED!
REASON 3 – YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
REASON 4 – YOUR LOOKS!
REASON 5 – YOUR WEIGHT
REASON 6 – YOUR SLEEP
REASON 7 – YOUR GENERAL HEALTH
REASON 8 – BUILD A NEW NEURAL PATHWAY
REASON 9 - TO CHECK YOUR DEPENDENCE
REASON 10 – THE DOMINO EFFECT
We picked on 66 days because that’s how long it takes to change a habit so if you are thinking about making alcohol-free living a permanent lifestyle choice then you will find it SO much easier after 66 days — you will have built a whole new neural pathway!
If you are just looking to cut down then do the challenge and you will find it SO much easier to drink within the low-risk levels of one and a half bottles of wine (or six beers) a week.
          HOW IT WORKS
The Challenge will run for 66 days — starting on 1st September. That’s long enough to assess your relationship with alcohol and to build a new and healthy habit.
You will receive a daily email, packed with tips, tools and inspiration for 66 days. You’ll also have access to 66 motivatonal mini-podcasts.
You will be added to a WhatsApp Chat Group to connect with other Sober Springers. To share tips and encourage each other to stay on the bus!
You will also receive an invitation to join our Sober Sprinters Facebook Group and our Zoom Cafe every Saturday.
More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

Burnout... and alcohol dependence with Jax

My guest this week is Tribe Member Jax - an educator who is passionate about her work and who has struggled with both alcohol dependence and burnout.  One of those rare people who only ever has one Day One Jax found Tribe Sober one week into her sobriety and she's been inspiring and motivating our members ever since!
In this episode
Jax was a late developer when it came to alcohol - coming from a non drinking family and mixing with a serious crowd who didn't drink alcohol was just not "on her radar" as she puts it
Things changed when she got to her late 30's/early 40's.  She found herself wanting an "extra glass" of champagne or wine when she was at a restaurant or a dinner party.
Her non drinking partner noticed and remarked that she got quite "animated" - even argumentative by the end of the evening
Then he came out with that line that so many of us are familiar with "why can't you have just one"
Like the rest of us Jax of course tried to have "just one" and in fact there would be a little dialogue going on in her head as she got ready to go out along the lines of "I must just have one tonight"
Like the rest of use that rarely worked out - I can still remember that sense of failure because I couldn't have "just one" or even "just three" in my case
Thats why you need a sober community - you need people that would never tell you to have "just one"
Join tribesober.com to learn to quit completely and then to go on and thrive in sobriety
A worrying development for Jax was that she wanted to drink during the week as her habit escalated from occasional to habitual
She began to love drinking alone which is a real red flag - moving from using alcohol to socialise to using alcohol to self medicate our stress
She was still in denial and would never acknowledge her hangovers which she would write off as a "bit of a headache"
As her career developed Jax found herself getting more and more responsibility - working 70 hour weeks
This workload was a major trigger for Jax as it left her no time to refresh and recharge with hobbies and personal development.
She fell victim to Burnout and her only respite seemed to be putting her feet up with a glass of wine
Completely exhausted she could no longer find any pleasure in anything
Jax withdrew from her partner and her friends, became isolated and drank more
She felt a mix of despair and despondency and knew she would need to quit drinking - she researched into the subject of alcohol dependence and found Tribe Sober 
She discovered the power of community and just what it meant to meet people who understood her - they had been in exactly the same situation
Jax didn't see her sobriety as a punishment, instead she saw it as an opportunity to change her life and to find herself again - a perfect mindset
As Jax so rightly said - if we go into sobriety feeling sorry for ourselves and being annoyed with others for drinking then we are setting ourselves up for failure
Day One of sobriety dawned and she never looked back - her first year of sobriety will be completed in December 2022
Jax set boundaries with her friends - she took them out individually to explain her plans and they offered their support
We agreed that it was best to be upfront with people and our tribe members often text their friends to explain they won't be drinking that evening
Her first month was difficult with detox symptoms and her PAWS lasted several months. 
PAWS can include anhedonia so if you suffer from this please listen to Tribe Sober podcasts episode 55 when Dr Loretta Breuning will explain how to keep your happy brain chemicals triggered More Info
Subscription membership – you can join up HERE.
To access our website, click HERE.
If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email janet@tribesober.com.
If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email janet@tribesober.com.
Episode Sponsor
This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up todayRead more about our program and subscribe HERE
Book a Discovery Call with me to find out if our membership would help you
Help us to Spread the Word!
We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share.
If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts.
Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you!
We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning.
You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram.
You can join our private Facebook group HERE.
 
PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device)
Open the Podcasts app. EASY.
Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field.
Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes).
Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews.
Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).

”My Unfurling” with Lisa Bennett

 
My guest this week is author Lisa Bennett.  After a career in marketing she ditched the booze in her early 50’s, left her job and wrote a book about the joys of sobriety.  Her book is called “My Unfurling” and emphasises how many aspects of our lives will change when we stop using alcohol to numb our feelings and our dreams.
Lisa lives in Maryland with her husband, her mom, two cats and a dog.  She enjoys paddleboarding, yoga and dancing in the kitchen!
In this Episode
Lisa started drinking in her teens and says that her first 6 years of drinking created deep pathways in her brain.
The heady combination of being away from home and having access to cheap alcohol together with the fact that she was a bit shy meant drinking was a great way to connect and fit in with the other students.
On reflection Lisa realises she could have done so much better at college if she hadn’t been partying so much!
After college she went to live in the heart of New York City where the party continued! So easy to go out drinking and pour herself into a cab to get home.
So she left NY at the age of 29 with a very well established drinking habit – 3 or 4 nights out a week was the norm and like many of us Lisa discovered she had no “off” switch
She ended up in an AA meeting as research for a work related project – that experience simply confirmed to her that she was “not an alcoholic” as she didn’t relate to the people there – so she had a drink on the way home to celebrate!
This also happened to me and with hindsight we agreed that we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves with the hard core alcoholics in AA – we should be comparing ourselves with the best version of ourselves that we could be – quite simply alcohol will prevent us from reaching our potential in life
Going back to Lisa she of course tried to moderate – and set and broke “the rules” many times
We talked about “rock bottom” and how crazy it is to wait for “rock bottom” – the trick is to get off that slippery slope the moment you realise you are on it!
We talked about wake up calls – as she reached her 40’s Lisa found she could no longer predict the effect that a few drinks was going to have on her – I also experienced that and now realise that it’s a real warning sign of dependence
She explained how a relatively modest amount of alcohol had led her to a blackout which ended in her throwing charcoal up to her bedroom window to wake up her husband in the early hours – as she puts in “she will never forget the disappointed look on her husband’s face as he came downstairs to let her in!”
We talked of the difficulty of being a woman who drinks – we mustn’t “get drunk” because that’s not cool but if we don’t drink we are no fun!
In fact Lisa’s husband told her that he didn’t think she had to give up drinking completely – this was a few months into sobriety so Lisa was able to remind him of all the things she had started doing that she never would have done had she still been drinking
This attitude of well meaning friends and relatives is another reason why we need a sober community – they will just tell us to “cut down” – not realising that we’ve crossed the line into dependence and cutting down is not an option.
Go to tribesober.com and hit “join our tribe” if you need a community who understands what its like to have tried (and failed) to cut down over and over
One day Lisa very wisely realised that she was getting no “joy” from her drinking anymore – and that it was taking too much away from her
For most of us it actually takes a period of sobriety before we recognise that we gain so much more than we lose when we ditch the booze – so well done to Lisa for having that insight when she was still drinking!
Lisa’s turning point was reading an essay by Laura McCowen called “Am I an Alcoholic” –  https://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/am-i-an-alcoholic
We are great fans of Laura here at Tribe Sober and her book title “We are the Luckiest” just about sums up how we feel once we’ve ditched the booze and learnt to thrive in our sobriety
Like all of us Lisa had to “do the work” in early sobriety – her husband and friends were still drinking so she would often go to bed early when the socialising got difficult
She also had to work on “uncoupling” everyday experiences from alcohol – as she put it alcohol was so woven into her daily life she was not entirely sure whether she enjoyed various activities or if it was just the alcohol she was enjoying
For example she thought she enjoyed cooking and it was part of her identity that she was a “good cook” but once she removed the wine from her cooking experience she realised it wasn’t really her passion after all!
This raises an interesting point about how we lose touch with what we really like doing when we drink – for example you may discover that your Drinking Buddies are not that fascinating after all and that you would rather be learning to do something creative instead of spending time with them
Sobriety really is a journey of self discovery – bumpy at first and then full of joy – it's an “Unfurling” of who we really are
Lisa explained that she has built a lot of emotional strength in sobriety – by pushing out of her comfort zone and engaging in new activities and just by learning how to socialise sober.
She’s gained so much confidence since being sober – confidence non drinkers would have built up at a much younger age!
Alcohol saps our motivation to “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” to quote one of my favourite book titles. We stay trapped in our boozy little rut.
Lisa’s been trying so many new things since she got sober – aerial yoga, spinning classes and creative writing – and she’s written and published a book.
Her accomplishments are a reminder that we will never reach our potential in life if we are drinking – as she says “I’m so glad I gave myself a chance to see what I could do in sobriety”
I asked her for some tips for newbies and she suggested journaling – obviously not everybody is a writer like Lisa but she recommended getting some journal prompts from people like Glennon Doyle
Getting outside in nature is essential – it helps us to realise we are part of something so much bigger – and to be in the moment
She also recommended doing a Challenge and finding Facebook Groups which means I’m going to give ours a plug
We have a brand new Facebook Group called “Sober Sprinters” where we hosted our recent “5 day Sober Sprint” – that Sprint is over now but there is so much engagement on there we decided to keep it open as a home for all future Challenges.  Just search Sober Sprinters in FB and come join the conversation.
Lisa’s book is called “My Unfurling” and describes how different aspects of her life “unfurled” as she quit drinking – it's available on Amazon and you can also find it on her website which is called www.lisamaybennett.com    
I loved Lisa’s book which is a mixture of her story mixed with plenty of inspiration – her time in New York City as a twenty something made me think of all that cocktail drinking we used to watch in the Sex and the City series!
We both agreed that stopping drinking was just the beginning and that’s what makes the decision to quit such a gamechanger – it really alters the trajectory of your future
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